1122 ramblings of a nut

The Law.

2009-10-28T13:57:00.001+08:00

hope.
Originally uploaded by rachel.flubbz

I lost a friend on 22nd October 2009.
Even though he was only 26 when he left this world, he led a meaningful life filled with humor, wit and loads of love. He loved his family, friends, brought laughter and always welcomed new friends into his life.
I cherish the days of random chats that we had and regretted not making more of them. I always thought that we would bump into each other someday, somehow, somewhere.
I cannot even remember when was the last time I talked to you.
Maybe it was that brief moment a few months back when I bumped into you, shocked at the sight of your shaved head. Honestly, you look like a monk on a mission. Haha.

The images of you laughing, playing the guitar, that goofy mischievous smile and that cute ABC accent keep replaying in my head. I find myself constantly clicking the video links on Facebook where you showed your 'talents'. Haha. It never failed to make me laugh.

I'm glad and honored to have known you even if it's only for a brief period of time. Your parents were so strong and I reckon that's where you got your strengths from. You fought your inner demons so bravely alone and yet still able to shower the people around you with heaps of love and laughter. I admire you my friend. You're definitely a big loss to us. Although your departure was a choice, I envy you for having a reason to leave. It made me think twice about a lot of things. In tears, your mom reminded us that we shouldn't take anyone or anything for granted. I took our friendship for granted but you never forgotten me or any of your friends. Even those who are not close to you. Thank you for showing me that love is all that we need. A friendly smile, a cheerful hi, a small wave, a short conversation. Thank you Lawrance.

I saw a ring of rainbow around the sun yesterday. And I remembered your mom asking us to make a wish.

I wish you well on your way and may there be light along your path.
May angels lead you in.

So this is it for now my friend. See you again on the other side.

p.s: the sky was pink yesterday. Are you playing pranks on the angels already?! Haha. But it was so beautiful. I'll miss you dude.

a text about mangoes.

2009-10-21T17:39:00.002+08:00

you made my day.

=)

there is something I see in you.

2009-10-21T11:58:00.002+08:00

And then there was L.
Although she was the only one who responded verbally to me (at The Court) thanks for the effort, but I reckon it's only out of politeness.
Now, why would I assume that?
That's because of the remarks she made about her room.
I feel so bloody unappreciated and angry at the same time.
I accompanied S to Subi & IKEA, bought all the decos, moved the furnitures, deco-ed the freaking room, cut the freaking paper to paste behind the freaking mirror.

After listing all of that, I realize that nobody asked me to do it.. I was the one who offered. I wanted to help S to surprise L. And I feel so guilty towards D now. Should have helped her deco-ed her room too.

Sigh.

I reckon I'm just getting the taste of my own medicine.
I singled D out and now I'm being singled out.
What comes around goes around.

I know.

And it hurts ever so badly every time L post up new pictures on Facebook. Her room, GK, B's Nerd surprise.

It hurts.

Godskitchen 2009

2009-10-21T11:43:00.003+08:00

I held my head up high and walked into the scene with sheer confidence that I'll still have a good time without you all.
But after awhile, I found myself searching for you.
that usual sense of security.

I was alone in a corner.
And it was depressing.
Even though an ang moh dude and an ang moh chick was kind enough to ask me to join their group ( and I did have a considerable good amount of fun jumping around with them),
I wish I was around you guys.

Cosmic Gate was good but I would prolly enjoyed it more if I was with you guys, jumping and singing along.

Sigh. I miss those times.

So much.

where do you run to, escape from yourself?

2009-10-14T01:02:00.003+08:00

*burp* omg, fish oil. *barf*

i do regret not buying the odourless fish oil instead. lol.
now i'm burping the fishy smell that makes me wanna barf.

that aside,

what more can you say when all has been said even though you did not manage to express yourself properly?
you can only wait. let fate takes its course and let time reveal it's goodness. noise is all around you and it takes time to clear the fuzziness away.

there are so many things in life that i refuse to see.
i zoom in and picked out everything that is an eye sore.
i refuse to budge from this comfort zone.
but i must. i must. and you must.
if not, how can we experience life?

hm, this 630am regime is doing me good.
although i'm only into my second week, i feel better.
you're pissed at me, i know.
and you need time to let it go.
it won't be the same again but i won't back down.
i cannot muck around and mope the whole day.
i have things to do.

a dream to chase, a life to live.

it's time to concentrate on me.
just me. a stable future is my priority.
and i need to repeat this for the hundredth millionth of time...
again and again.
i have to constantly remind myself that..

you will leave someday.

what do i say?

2009-09-21T00:10:00.002+08:00

i have apologized. i am sorry.
for the hurt that i have caused.
i made a mental note to just keep to myself from now onwards.
what that is not mine to be said will remain to be unsaid.

but nobody can see me now.
not when anger blinds them.

i will wait.
i understand it's all about trust.
but if you cannot forgive me for this,
then let it be. i will leave you to it.

i'm not giving up but my friendship is definitely worth more than this.

i'm the white box in the middle night.
it can light up your way, it can accompany you in your journey,
but right now, it sticks out - like a sore thumb to the night.

i'll go switch off now.
goodbye.

i made a mistake so grave.

2009-09-17T01:12:00.002+08:00

how do i mend a broken trust?

it was silly to think that i stand a chance against 8 years of friendship. i was the petty one. and the worse keeper ever because i was the one who suggested what to do and forgot totally about it. oh my god. i'm so ashamed at myself. i'm so childish. how can i mutter out such ignorance? i bet it'd never crossed your mind, not even a tiny hint of it. how did it get into mine tho? jeez. i was too proud. why would anyone put me ahead of you. you're a better friend than i am. well, at least you kept your lip pressed shut ever so tightly. unlike mine.

oh god. i still cannot believe that i was so ignorant. who am i really. to have such confidence. i believe LL never took a second look at me. and you wouldn't have said anything if i didn't look so interested. oh dear. the miscommunication was so deep. i was in my own world the whole time. and got really lost in it. and i felt like i have betrayed LC big time. friends don't tell on each other. oh my god. what have i done.

i felt your anger. and i'm so sorry. so so sorry.

i will be true to myself and to others. that is if i can get past myself. i cannot punish myself enough for this. what i have done is so wrong. i need to be a better friend. and work hard to regain your trust again. it's a long journey but i will get there. i hope.

E assured me that i still have the rest of the girls. yeah, i know. but it'd be awkward from now on. because i cannot face S. sigh. what do i do now? i can only sit and wait for forgiveness. and commit myself fully to my work so that i don't backfire and go against myself.

Melb. 090909. LL.

i did not see the disaster that came with it.

complications of my mind.

2009-08-21T01:37:00.002+08:00

1423220420, originally uploaded by rachel.flubbz.

i wanna run away.
away from you. away from me. away from people. away from life.

i was the one who declined your offer and yet i'm upset.
can't you just step up and say you'll take me?
i would rather not be given a choice.
i only took it because i felt bad for taking up your time when you don't have enough already.
i felt bad making you take extra trips which also meant more money spent on petrol when you're already pretty broke.
i felt like i'm a burden to you.

i don't know. i'm just really upset. really really upset.
you affect me a lot. so much that it's so annoying.

but everything is happening in my own head.
my mind is waging a war with my emotions.

i don't want to be alone.
please don't leave me here by myself.
i can't take it anymore.
i feel so lonely that i'm going rather mad.
i tried focusing totally on my work but i can't.
i need people. i need the girls. most of all, i need you.

i hate being needy. i hate this feeling.
but i can't deny it.

i can't handle this. no i can't.

all that i need is this moment.

2009-08-18T23:36:00.002+08:00

dream, originally uploaded by rachel.flubbz.

i walked across the field yesterday.
it was sunny. it was windy.
and i smiled to myself.
i feel so free, so relaxed, so happy.
under the sun, with the wind caressing my face.

i like windy sunny days. i like thunderstorms.
i hate rainy days when i need to go to uni.
haven't quite figure out how to go to uni without a car or without getting really soaked. the bus is just too slow.

blue sky, several layers of white fluffy clouds, cool breeze..
now, that's what i call an ideal day.
and if you appear in the picture,
that is what i call the perfect day. =)

mechanical.

2009-08-13T13:00:00.002+08:00

androidish, originally uploaded by rachel.flubbz.

sometimes i wish i'm an android.
i can do the same thing everyday without feeling bored or tired.
day or night doesn't matter to me.
nor does sun and rain.

sickness does not apply to me.
although there is a risk of malfunctioning due to shortcircuits.

sigh. and then i realize i'm only human.
always want something better or can't have.

start here.

2009-08-13T01:46:00.003+08:00

fade away, originally uploaded by rachel.flubbz.

you're in my head.

you should feel what i feel.
you should take what i take.

i will wait for you, meet me in the blue.
i will wait for you, if you ask me to.
the day is calling you
roll out and start anew.
wipe you weary eyes and tumble out of the sky.

i don't know you well but i'm waiting for you to happen.
although you don't know that i am,
i'm looking forward to you.

and i certainly hope you don't like belachan.
and that you have a considerably good digestive system.
eggs are nice to the mouth but horrible to the nose.

my vice.

2009-04-26T23:20:00.002+08:00

my vice: envy and jealousy.
so true.

haha. it's strange that i feel this way.
i have already establish the fast that i am no hottie and yet i feel completely useless. so distasteful. such a desperate idiot.

the more i yearn, the more tormented i become. i think i might have killed something deep within me.

i am no longer the old rachel. the bubbly one. the fun and crazy one. the easy to get along. the comfortable with self.

i am in conflict with myself. it's so sad. to launch a war with yourself is the saddest thing to date. it eats up your soul and mind. now, you are nothing but a hollow shell filled with emptiness.

keep running. keep falling. and then fade away.
everyday i hope to die. i am not suicidal but i am hopeless.
i feel like i have to do something more to be able to feel. to feel more than the pain in my soul. and i keep searching for that something more.

and finally, i was able to cry. but it was not enough.
the tears rolling down my cheek did not justify the hatred i felt for myself.
i could no longer see the different side. my vision is blurred. my world starts to crack. i am no longer carefree. the clouds got blown away. the light blue sky became gray. the sea became violent and angry. only the bitter taste remain.

i do not need you. friends can only give out so much. i will be alright on my own. i cry alone. you have all the good intentions in mind but none that will satisfy me.

it is true that when you laugh, the world laughs with you.
and when you cry, you cry alone.

i'm alone.

effin word.

2009-04-17T00:18:00.002+08:00

i don't know how else to express myself except to say,

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.
FUCK OFF. FUCK OFF. FUCK OFF. FUCK OFF. FUCK OFF. FUCK OFF. FUCK OFF.

of everything that has happened, i'm the biggest wanker.
i'm the biggest idiot and loser in which i hope to end now.
just stop breathing and drop off dead. NOW.

i'm frustrated, sad and angry.
and i don't know why.

i can imagine a blade piercing through my heart.
i can imagine a blade cutting through my skin and the blood seeping through the cloth.

i'm just hoping that it will continue to be an image.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

maybe i just need to fuck. haha.

jeez. i'm going mad i swear. i would be bald soon because of all the hair yanking.
argh fuck! what is this that i'm feeling. i hate it! go away!

i find comfort in my own shadow. detached from the world through my headphones.

i came alone and i will leave alone.

FUCK YOU.

AJ a.k.a Jboy

2008-11-23T19:04:00.003+09:00

21st November 2008.
Jboy succumbed to his injuries and passed away at midnight. I wish he could have gone in a better way than this. Perhaps he would rather died fighting than dying feeling old and helpless. Didi cried right after he got home from the vet clinic. So much for a tough guy who thought it's hard to cry. Surprisingly, i did not shed a tear. Perhaps i can't picture Jboy, or perhaps i am already far away thus feeling the detachment of emotions. Or maybe because i was actually expecting his death but i certainly did not expect him to go in pain and in a clinic cell.

when i go back, i will not be able to see you staring at me and wagging your tail.
i will never be able to scratch your gray nozzle again.
i wont be able to see you come running in top speed every time i call out for you.
i cant have the pleasure of bribing you with cream crackers anymore.
nor will i be able to give you a little pat of assurance that everything will be alright after the thunderstorm.
most of all, i wont be able to hear that special bark you had for us every time we come home from somewhere.
nor see that perky ears every time any one of the family comes for a visit.

Goodbye AJ.
My cheeky Jboy.
My pet and friend.
My little terror.
My love.

We will all miss you.
and i will miss you heaps.

i love you.

My Sky.

2008-11-19T02:10:00.001+09:00

我的天空
为何挂满湿的泪
我的天空
为何总灰的脸
飘流在世界的另一边
任寂寞侵犯
一遍一遍
天空
划著长长的思念

你的天空
可有悬著想的云
你的天空
可会有冷的月
放逐在世界的另一边
任寂寞占据
一夜一夜
天空
藏著深深的思念

我们天空
何时才能成一片
我们天空
何时能相连
等待在世界的各一边
任寂寞嬉笑
一年一年
天空
叠著层层的思念

但愿天空
不再挂满湿的泪
但愿天空
不再涂上灰的脸

[english translation]
My Sky
why does it filled with wet tears
my sky
why does it always grey-faced
floating on the other side of the world
allowing loneliness to encroach
over and over
Sky
draws on lengthy longings

Your Sky
should suspend a thinking cloud
Your Sky
should have a cold moon
left on the otherside of the world
Allowing loneliness to conquer
night over night
Sky
Hiding deep longing

Our Sky
when will it be one
Our sky
when can they be joined
waiting on each side of the world
Allowing loneliness to mock
year after year
Sky
piled with layers of longing

May sky
no longer filled with wet tears
May Sky
no longer put on a grey face

[hanyinpinyin]
wo de tian kong
wei he kua man shi de lei
wo de tian kong
wei he zhong hui de lian
piao liu zai shi jie de ling yi bian
ren ji mok qin fan
yi bian yi bian
tian kong
huo zhe chang chang de si nian

ni de tian kong
ke you xuan zhe xiang de yun
ni de tian kong
ke hui you leng de yue
fang zhu zai shi jie de ling yi bian
ren ji mok zhan ju
yi ye yi ye
tian kong
chang zhe shen shen de si nian

wo men tian kong
he shi cai neng cheng yi pian
wo men tian kong
he shi neng xiang lian
deng dai zai shi jie de ge yi bian
ren ji mok xi xiao
yi nian yi nian
tian kong
die zhe cheng cheng de si nian

dan yuan tian kong
bu zai kua man shi de lei
dan yuan tian kong
bu zai tu shang hui de lian

the world went mad.

2008-11-03T20:51:00.002+09:00

I'm a Malaysian.
and i love Malaysia a lot.
but i don't want to be living in it right now.
not after all the rubbish politicians shooting their loose mouth and arresting everyone who is supposedly to be 'going against' Islam.
For all the years in school, I've been taught that Islam is a tolerant religion and respects other religion. I'd even grow to like hearing those Islam verses the primary school kids chant during their Agama classes. I can still hear shadows of these verses in my head. It's not annoying nor intruding into my religion. If we can accept Islam as another religion then why can't Islam respect ours too?

I guess it's because some muddle-headed extremist which caused much havoc over the years. For example, the animal name calling in the parliament. come on. it's the parliament! the place where rules are discussed and the nation taken care of.
why do we have a bunch of fools up there leading us?

The recent article about banning tomboyish behaviors (by the fatwa groups) and building a Chinese Muslim mosque on the Pudu jail location caught my attention. First of all, why do we even need a Chinese Muslim mosque? Malay is our first language and aren't all mosques open to whoever who is Muslim disregard of their race? Not only that, I believe Pakatan Rakyat MP Zulkifli Nordin is truly nuts. Build God's house on a former jail grounds? That's just degrading the mosque. Criminals die there involuntarily. Here are some rather funny comments that I found on a blog post..

written by cheekhiaw, October 23, 2008 21:53:07
Without great idiotic followers, the gods would not be that great.

written by Alice, October 23, 2008 22:19:51
"I do not care about what other people think of me because I will have to answer to Allah." - Zulkifli Noordin.
======================================================= ====================
Zul I feel so sorry for you. You betul-betul sesat dalam perjuangan you untuk mempertahankan Islam. Musuh Islam bukan orang-orang bukan Melayu. Musuh Islam adalah orang-orang Islam sendiri kerana mempunyai pemahaman yang sangat cetek terhadap agama sendiri. (Translation: You really are lost in you own fight to protect Islam. Islam's enemy are not those who aren't Malay. Islam's enemy are those who are Islam but possess an extremely shallow understanding towards their own religion.)

Kenapa nak bina masjid lain utk org Cina ??? Kamu ni racistlah! (Translation: Why do you need to build a mosque for Chinese? You're a racist!)

Tuhan tidak MEMAKSA makhluknya mencintainya. Ia adalah pilihan individu .Sekiranya LINA JOY mahu memeluk agama Kristian maka ia adalah pilihannya sendiri. Antara dia dan tuhan .Siapalah kamu? Kamu bagaikan tin kosong yang bising. (Translation: God does not FORCE His people to love Him. It is a choice. If Lina Joy wants to become a Christian, then its her choice. It's between her and God. Who are you? You're an empty can which is making a lot of noise.)

written by Kuku Burung, October 23, 2008 23:29:26
Trying to imitate Osama bin Laden, Ah? But tak layak lah! Palsu betul. Budak yang hilang akal. (Translation: Trying to imitate Osama bin Laden, Ah? But you're not qualified! So fake. A boy who has lost his mind.)

written by smeagrooo, October 23, 2008 23:43:38
pudu jail for a house of god?

zul, r u nuts?

u go there to see god or see ghosts?

written by GeoGeo, October 24, 2008 00:45:35
Zul, remember ...you and your muslim student mates were not badly treated when you were studying in Victoria or any other UNIs all over NZ.
You were a liberated soul.
Like wise the thousands of Muslim in NZ.
Why are you so HARDUP ???
In Malaysia Islam is the Kingpin, the other religious believes just want their share of OWN worship. Is that very wrong to you ???
Remember while you were in NZ , we did not disallow you in anything you wanted to believe or worship.

But then if you want to scheme your frog disco act, please don't glorify your Islamic stands as an excuse........JUST DO IT.....JUMP.

Allah is always GREAT

written by ROBERTNGTG, October 24, 2008 07:44:16
"This pillar is being challenged from left, right, above, below, behind or in front, whether from the ruling party or from this side," he said, referring to the opposition benches." - Zulkifli Noordin.

WOW. REALLY A LOOSE CANNON WHO HAS A SELF FIRING MECHANISM. DOES NOT KNOW
WHO OR WHAT HE IS SHOOTING. FANATICISM BORDERING ON LUNATICISM.

written by mikewang, October 24, 2008 09:15:47
Instead of doing something to "pakat" all Malaysians together, this guy is suggesting diversive ways to pull the people farther apart.

Instead of freeing minds, he is trying to imprison them using religion as an excuse.

This guy should be in BN/UMNO instead of PR/PKR.
Even Tok Nik Aziz's PAS has more sense.

The article and comments can be read from the web add below:
http://mt.m2day.org/2008/content/view/14192/84/

How arrogant this Zul seems to be. He is trying to 'defend' God. Allah is Almighty in the Islamic context then why does he feel the need to defend God? Islam teaches people to be respectful and does not restrict its followers on how to think.
And here's my utter surprise. His education background. It's a wonder.

Ashby Road (English) Primary School, Ipoh.
Anderson Secondary School Ipoh and King Edward VII Taiping.
Pre-University in Maktab Tentera Di Raja, Sungai Besi.
A-Levels in Pakuranga College, Bucklands Beach, Auckland.
Victoria University of Wellington, New Zealand.

So much exposure to Westernization. He's a lawyer educated overseas and yet he comes up with such ignorant statements about the Islamic religion. It's a surprise how he managed to become one of the MP's for PRK. Surely Anwar isn't too blind to notice this blatant fool making so much noise which only will resulted in a full on national hatred.

Now, let's comment on banning tomboyish behaviors. First of all, I have seen many tomboyish looking women who are married and have kids. so why is this behavior considered as 'Haram'? These religious leaders seemed to have lost their way and now bravely state that it's because they're trying to combat lesbianism. Wow. Sexual preferences and gender identity are two different things. Being a tomboy doesn't mean that you're a lesbian. Omg. why are they so shallow. Haven't they read enough of the Quran to understand what God really meant?

And recently in US, there's this Proposition 8 Act which will not recognize same sex wedding throughout the whole country. Their reason: to re-install the traditional one man, one woman marriage image and to provide a functional family for the children. If they'd really cared for the children, they would probably consider the amount of abandoned kids that were adopted by same sex couples.

All these shallow people in the world. So full of themselves. All they do is create havoc. Not everyone have to be Islam to be able to go to heaven. All the Muslims does not need to be robots; following a certain standard of living, wearing a limited shade of color, wearing a certain style of clothing, everyone is the same. LGBT people does not choose to be who they are. We're born with it, it's in our genes. The world seems to have gone nuts, filled with all these extremist... so lost in their own preference of views. So ignorant of others.

But luckily, they will have to answer to God. For we all have to die in the end.

kai shi dong le.

2008-11-02T22:14:00.003+09:00

im not a child anymore.
i should only let my instincts lead me
and not control me.

take the pain out of love and then love wont exist.
but then came hate.

im feeling numb because im tired.
not because i had let go.

like a cow i am stubborn
grasping hard to something that will never come true
just because you couldnt see us.

i really have to stop doubting myself
and regain my self worth.
love isnt everything.
you're not everything.

instead, my future is my everything.

this longing will have to stop here.

you're still important.
very.
but only as someone close.
whom i have given a special place in my heart.

of all the hatred i felt,
i hate myself the most.

kai shi dong le,
kuai le shi xuan zhe.

[finally understand,
happiness is a choice.]

another you, another me ... maybe.

2008-10-07T20:55:00.002+08:00

I've got a habit i cant break so it does all the breaking.
breaking me down, that is.

i'm only human.
there's only so much that i can block.
there's some things which i never said.
all because i dont wana be your burden.

it's only natural to not feel confident with myself.
after you, im not confident anymore.
i dont feel like approaching anyone, anymore.
i guess i did set my standards way up high.
but im proud of it tho. haha.
i wont simply fall for somebody.
my heart is taking a long time to heal,
but it will eventually.
im looking foward to the day that i lose my feelings for you.
looking foward to the day when im not in agony.
looking foward to not be in sorrow anymore.

till that day comes, i will do what is right.
even if it eats me up inside.
forgive me if im transparent because im trying not to.
i dont want to ruin things for you and D but,
it's hard to control my emotions sometimes.

i will let you run along, find your own way.
you're happy now.
you dont want me.
im trying my best to let this go.
i dont want to sink into such low levels.

in this silence i am sinking into the darkness.

i realised that i need only a handful of friends around.
and i believe ive found some whom i will cherish and wont let go ever.

you're one of them.

i'll always be close to you.
but im keeping my distance too.
just because of the presence of the other.

alas, online again.

2008-09-23T00:37:00.002+08:00

[all about you.] 18/9/08

this is all about you.
i guess it really is easier said than done.
i'd always tell people to go for the one they want.
and i'll do the same.
but now i cant.
because you dont want me to.

i cant take you and D in.
i can take both of you separately.
but i cant stand the affection you give to her.
i can stand von because it was always her whom was all over you.
and now, it's you who is all over D.
im sorry. i just cant take it.
maybe because deep inside,
i wished i was the one whom you were affectionate to.
i dont mind von being affectionate to you.
but i just cant bear you being affectionate towards D.
it kills me inside.
do you understand the pain?

when you see von being affectionate to vron, how do you feel?
and that's what im feeling inside.

when you do show it in front of me,
i cant wait to escape.
i cant wait to run away to the other end of the world.
so that i dont see both of you together, right in front of my face.
i know i shouldnt run away but it hurts me so.
and i dont want to feel like im a pile of shit.
an absolute nonsense.

i always put myself down.
wondering who am i.
am i not good enough.
am i not sufficient enough.
turns out that it's not me.
it's you.

it's you who dont want me this way.
it's you who wants me this way.

i want to heal.
but i dont know how to...
when i bleed at every affection and attention you give to D.

i want to be happy.
i really want to.

[realise] 20/9/08

the day before yesterday i crumbled and nearly died.
but today, i took a step foward.
i've finally had the courage to ignore my heart and listened to my head.
yes, i do need you. but i know you're happier with D.
i realized that it is not hard to try.
and all it ever took was just a step.
the courage to take that step.

my heart is still homeless and all of this will make a good drama script.
and you still takes away my breath pretty much
but your hands are not mind to hold
and your heart is not mine to keep.

i have truly accepted D.
but i still crave so much for you.
and i longed for your attention.
i finally see what position im in now.
i kinda figured that it'll be quite tiring to hate the different persons everytime u have someone new. lol.

i want to stay in perth.
not just because of you,
i dont wanna go back.
i want my own life.
now i've got to fight for it.
things could have been easier if i listened.
but i guess everything happens for a reason.

dont ever leave me.
because i need you so much closer.

[afraid] 21/9/08

i've always been afraid that you'll drift away from me.
of all the friends you've made and all that you attract,
although you assure me that you're close,
i've always felt that i have to fight for your attention.
i guess it's just me being sensitive.
i know you'll care more than that.
you're still my top priority but i have to slowly ease myself on it.
i have to keep reminding myself that you're just someone close. nothing more.

and still, until now,
you have always come first.

and im just here.
waiting for the times when you need me around.
other than that, im alone in my own world.
drifting through all those beautiful clouds and calm waters.

perhaps you dont realise,
through all that pain im in,
you have given me so much strength.
and i love you so much for it.

1st. 2nd. 3rd. 4th. 5th. and blogspot went down.

2008-08-08T12:32:00.006+08:00

[5/8/08 : 12.00am]

it's funny how i believe that i've fallen for you and then after awhile, i think again.
i can probably say that i'm in no position to fall in love. or rather, unstable.
and how sure am i that this is love? not something disguised as love.
the loneliness, the need, the human touch, the company: which i've lacked in this few months. i've been single for a few months but you were always surrounded by people. so i guess that's the difference. oh my fucking god. why does it hurt so much. seems like a soft rejection. i guess it really is when you told me not to wait for you. but i know myself well. i will wait. and crave even more. this is bad. ahhh. get me out of this deep hole. i never thought that i'll fall for you. but i'm falling fast and hard. what the hell. talk to me. guide me. what do i do with you? you're driving me crazy and i still miss you so. you, the practical one. you, the hot one. you, the sweet smilling one. you, the fucking awesome one.you're flooding my head! gah! i'm so frustrated at myself. and at god. why does all this shit has to happen. i just wanted it plain and simple. and all this has to come. WHY ON EARTH DID YOU FUCKING MAKE ME FALL FOR MY BEST FRIEND?! YOU UP THERE ARE FUCKING RUINING MY LIFE!! YOU'RE FUCKING SCREWING WITH ME AREN'T YOU?! fuck. i hate myself. and its getting into my head. im not smart or determined enough. but i can love you more than enough. i guess i have no choice but to let you slip away. this is my only way to keep our friendship. the only way to keep you by my side. and keep me sane. i wish there's something which can take all this away. a bottle of poison like in Romeo & Juliet. that'll do. perhaps i should submerge myself in work. make myself exhausted. then i wouldnt be thinking of you because i'll be too tired to do so. my heart aches. im not silly. i just fell for you. sometimes i wish im more capable. that im smart, intelligent, rich and determined. then i wouldnt be in this spot. i would have graduated. i would have been working already. and i wouldnt have fallen for you. but this is it. a fucking joke. god, are you happy now? go on screwing with me. till one day i'll come up and throw books at you. see how you'll like that.

first you said you would. then you said you couldnt.
after you've lifted me high up, you let me fall crashing below.
say what you want but i'll never be sober.
addicted to you like Dunhill Menthol cigarettes.
take a good look at me and feel me now. before you fall for that somebody.
because i will probably hate that somebody. if it's not me.
maybe i should prove myself. then you will see.how different i can be.
do i chase or let you slip away? its now or never. and i cant decide.

[5/8/08: 4.37am]
omfg.
this is insane. i cant sleep. and i keep thinking of you.
what the hell. you dont want me.
the answer is right infront of me!
you're afraid to have me. hiding behind our friendship.
and here i am. crushing silently behind it.
i know its not your fault. its mine to bear.
why does it has to come to this. and all this frustrations in me.
i just want you so much, together with everything.
how do i revert my mind?
when all i wanna do is to be close to you and hold your hand.

you broke up with D because of me.
and because of me, you're in this confusion.
and also because of me, you're afraid.
you're so awesome that im losing my sleep.
but thats okay.
i dont have a packed timetable like yours.

i dont know why am i acting this way. an emotional piece of shit.
im so stubborn and idiotic. and looking quite desperate. haha.
im aching here. even though i know you wont step up to me.
wake up already.
miss practicality doesnt see the future with you.
she doesnt see long term in you.
you're just a feeling. and a fucking awesome friend.
you're both the love i crave so much but not the type.
i hate the way my mind works. which it doesnt academically.
just so you know, i did try to let go. but after all that,
i've fallen even deeper.
i was slowly accepting the existance of D in your life.
but now, im struggling at the sight of her. and at her smses.
i feel like she's getting ahead of me. better than me.
less dramatic. working harder to get you back. and im sitting here looking stupid.
you know, she has a status. she's your ex. she can be close to you. because she 'know' you.
wipe your nose. hold your hand. glare at the people who is trying to hit on you.
what am i? a jealous, sensitive best friend. haha.
bloody hell. its the middle of the night and im so fucking emotional.
i know you hate seeing me like that.
but im somewhat like you so you would know the frustrations in me.
im tired but i cant rest. so many things are happening.
i probably should say that i've brought it all upon myself.
which now resulted in self-hatred.
but not enough to kill myself just yet.

cuz i just cant look, it's killing me. and taking control.
cuz im mr. brightside.

i shouldnt love you but i want to. i just cant turn away.
i shouldnt see you but i cant move. i cant look away.
and i dont know how to be fine when im not.
cuz i dont know how to make a feeling stop.
just so you know, this feeling is taking control of me and i cant help it.
i wont sit around, i cant let him[her] win now.
thought you should know, i've tried my best to let go of you.
but i dont want to. i just gotta say it before i go. just so you know.
its getting hard to be around you, there's so much i cant say.
do you want me to hide the feelings. and look the other way.
this emptiness is killing me, im wondering why i've waited for so long.
looking back i realised it was always there.
just never spoke of. i'm waiting here. been waiting here.

is it too late to realise? i dont know because you havent really.
if you did, you wouldnt let any chance pass you by. but that's what you're doing.
you're hiding behind our friendship.
im torn between my rationality and my heart.
okay then. what do i want you to do?
i want you to be with me!!
but what happens after that?
what if the appeal doesnt go through?
what if i have to leave you side.
even now, we find it difficult when we dont see each other for days.
what happens if we proceed and get involved?
wouldnt it be harder to part?
rachel, open up your eyes already.
cant you see that you'll be one hurting her in the end?
how can you be so selfish. so full of yourself.
how can you bear to see tears trickle down her rosy cheeks?
i can handle pain. been doing that for years.
then why cant i do the same for you. and endure.
why do i crave for you so much till i feel like im breaking apart?
i actually held your jacket close in the cinema and imagined you sitting near me.
your perfume in the jacket calmed me down.
the presence of your jacket makes me feel connected to you, somehow.
i dont know why i keep forgetting my sunglasses.
it's either i dont want it anymore or just the thought of my stuff in you car will remind you of my presence. LOL.

i'll regret this. but i said that i would try. and i promised that i would try my best.
it's hard. trust me because i love you so.
alot of things are easier said than done.

[6/5/08: 2pm]
i feel much better today after thrashing it all out. now, my mind is blank.
but i still become breathless everytime i see your face. i just get sucked into your beautiful eyes.
its so peaceful and warm today. i wish i could spend the entire day sunbathing with you.
but i know its best not to do anything now.
as much as you dont want to hurt me, i dont wana end up hurting you either.
perhaps this is our fate. [you up there! you win ok! dammit.]
we're so near and yet so far. i would love to follow my heart's whispers but i know things will work their way out.
i can only be patient. perhaps D really is a better option.
i know i can do better but D is a good girlfriend.
and a good person. someone who will fiercely protect you and less jealous. haha.
i mean, she's organised, smart, has a brighter future, able to spend more, has a car, shares the same taste of music
with you, currently a bubble of fun, protective of you and will be here for a long time to come.
i've listed your practical side. havent it?
haha. im nothing like the ones listed above.
all i have is a flicker of hope.

i'm half decided to change uni. if it doesnt work out. although i havent get any reply.
i have to have a backup plan. being in a different suburbs is definitely better than being in different countries.
i dont know. at this point of time, i truly felt that im lost.
and the world is dark and silent.

[7/8/08: 11am]
i went for Jason Mraz!!!!! so excited sia..
he's so bloody random. made up stuff on the spot!
he sang alot of songs that i've never heard of though.
ok, proved that im not a big Jason Mraz fan. ahahahax.
then there was a part about best friends. i thought he was going to sing lucky!
but he didnt...
anyways, he shouted "is there anyone in the crowd who came with their best friend?"
"and is secretly madly in love with them?!"
everyone cheered.
i just smiled to myself.
i dont know why but i feel a little distant from you now.
i've never noticed you crossing your arms around me.
but now, you cross them all the time. perhaps it's your own little way of self control. =)
and im keeping to myself too.
so, i crossed my arms the whole nite! hoho.
and ended up with a backache. lol.
single but not available. i guess i have to go back to that routine.
for starters, i have to stop looking foward to your messages.
so far so good.

if i could have things my way, i would have grabbed you near and kissed you already.
but it doesnt work that way.

at the moment, i'll just crawl back into my corner and stone.
and get things going at uni.
i feel like sitting here and wait for death.
but i know that's not the way.
i stand alone now. like always. and that is how it should be.
love hurts. i dislike it. and yet i keep stumbling into it.
at the wrong places. and at the wrong time.
perhaps i should keep it locked up somewhere else when im around you.
then i wont feel the pain.
then there's only pure love of friendship.
then there's no more yearning for your touch.

[8/8/08: 1.35am]
here i am again. standing at the edge of my seat. unable to face everyone else.
appeal denied. haha. for a moment there i couldnt understand the words.
i had to have hsin read it and explain the email to me.
and then i hugged her and cried.
this is the 2nd chance. i cannot let it slip again.
if i do, then im an idiot and i dont deserve anything more.
but tonight i realise that God was fair to me.
He make me go through shit but He also gave me the truest of friends.
no matter how much i hate You now, i thank You for giving me hsin, esh and debbs.
their presence makes me feel like im the luckiest person in the world.
and i believe that i am truly lucky.
now, i must learn how to appreciate.
which im still wondering how to start.

silly girl.

2008-07-27T04:59:00.001+08:00

26.7.2008 Friday

why is my heart aching.
i've come to an understanding. but it's still aching.
please take this feeling away from me.
we're too close to be together.
our friendship is stronger.
and that is how it should be.
my mind is clear.
but why does my heart still ache?
i do not understand feelings.
never will i truly understand.
is this a feeling of lost?
is this a feeling of loneliness?
i was fine without you.
even when we first met.
why now. why does it only hurt now.
i know i care.
i know my heart is aching.
damn, did i really fell for you.
i am frowning.
trying to understand my feelings.
trying to understand what is my heart feeling.
trying to understand why do i feel so heartbroken.
we've never started.
and we're good friends.
but why do i still feel empty.
i did say that i dont mind.
as long as D can put a smile on your face.
i guess i can say it better than i can perform.
i liked it better when you didnt have anyone.
you're so near.
and yet, im afraid of losing you.
but i know i won't lose you.
joa asked "still not attached ah?"
i really wanted to answer "yeah, fell for the wrong person."
lol. that would be funny.
i guess you're not exactly the wrong person.
you just love me enough to not make me a rebound.
this distance between us will never change.
because we're too afraid to lose each other.
but what will you discover if i had left the world.
i wonder.
argh. my heart is still aching.
i wish it would just stop.
then i will have no more midnight pain.

can't help but be silly.

2008-07-16T01:07:00.003+08:00

12/7/2008

how blind am i not to realise that you are not meant for me. but this pain won't go away. i have no control on whom i fall for. i can only hope that she's making you smile and i'm keeping you safe. i do admire my ability to love. it's amazing. such a big capacity for it. lol.

13/7/2008

we went for lunch. i realise that it may be the less of many things. i may not be able to see you often now. D is back. most of your time will be spent on her. this is the beginning of self control all over again. but yesterday was nice. you hugged me and danced with me. you let me hug you close. it really felt that no one was around us. it was like we were in a world of our own. okay, im thinking too much. but who doesnt dream. hugging you close and let our body flow with the music was truly a magical moment to me. or maybe im just being horny. wahahaha. but NO, it may seem normal for alot of people but that was a significant moment where i got close enough to smell the perfume right off your skin. it may freak you out but i wished that time would just stop. and it did. preserved only in my mind. but you probably wouldnt remember it, because you were high! lol.

16/7/2008

a tear ran down my cheek when you said that you missed me. i dont know what got over me but i was so touched. i'm silly, i know rite. but i do miss our old selves. your new status is making me a little uncomfortable. it's not that i dont like D. i mean, she's fine and i have nothing against her. i probably just felt a little left out. too many hours on my hands. i guess the situation gets abit awkward when i try not to catch your affection towards her. truthfully, i didnt know seeing you and D being affectionate will affect me so much. i was practically trying to jump off to a few seats away. lol. during the movie, i was trying hard not to see you guys holding hands but i still can catch it from the corner of my eye, thus i figured that if i leaned foward, i wont be able to see you guys at all! guess what? it works!! haha.
i keep telling myself that i will get over you eventually. but you do know very well how hard it is to move on. perhaps i was just being very stubborn in this matter but my heart rules over my head at times. well, most of the time. LOL. i do hope things will get better soon. im getting tired of movie marathon-ing by myself. we said that we would watch DVD together till late nite once you get back. but that happened in like, 3 times? i know, i know. you have commitments now. sigh. and all of you have your own agendas. is it a trend to be in a complicated situation nowadays? lol. god, i dont know, really. but i do know that i miss you alot.

you flood me.

2008-07-12T03:21:00.008+08:00

this feeling is so sick, so pathetic, so disturbing, so annoying, so dangerous.
this loneliness have taken hold of me.
but even if we got together, i don't know what to do with you.
i had tried to cheer up. i had given up. i had tried to forget.
but sometimes, everything rushes in again and im flooded by the images of you.
1 more day and she'll be back.
im afraid of losing you to her. since she already had you on the phone 24/7, due to your need of distraction.
sometimes i wish i could just grab you and hold you tight.
and the world will fall down around us. dissolving all the pain.
there's so much to see. so much to feel. so much to learn.
but im tired of waiting.
im tired of life.
im tired of myself.
perhaps it would be better if it all just end.
im so sick of this feeling. its tiring.
i want to be loved. i want to be wanted.
but all i do is crave for your attention.
which is completely useless and meaningless.
i feel like a freaking loser.
i do not understand why do i hate seeing you dancing with her.
i don't like her touching you. i just somehow pin point her down.
i should probably be flattered when she say i have a lot of clothes that she wants.
maybe she admire my style. but i hate it.
she likes my clothes. likes my chains. trying to imitate my dancing moves?
or just maybe, im being very sensitive.
im sorry that i feel this way but it's pretty obvious to me.
or probably im scrutinizing her because she likes you too.
and trying to get close to you.
the very first time i met her, she approached me because she wanted to know you. what the hell.
maybe im being such a bitch because im emo-ing.
probably i should change my style. hm, sounds like a good idea.
from butch to andro? hahaha.
i can see that coming. i mean, i cant wear mens/boys clothes all the time.
ah, dammit. as long as im comfortable. i don't wanna care.
and what am i to do with you. i don't know.
you're just in my head.

there's a way, there's a way, i know,
someday we will surely find it.

find me.

2008-06-08T02:01:00.003+08:00

Lifehouse - Broken

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

im too rational to be depressed about you.
argh. i have to stop being so dominant. so fucking protective.
so bloody jealous over nothing!
fuck. knn. it's your life.
i dont have a say in it.
so stop thinking about it!
god.

why cant i let go of you.
crap.
ad im being emo again.
bloody hell.

qian helped me let go of jiali.
esh helped me let go of qian.
and now im waiting for this person to help me let go of esh.

to make me sane again. because right now. im contradicting myself.

i guess it's always better to see you be with a person who is way better than me.
you deserve someone who suits u better.
after all that crap you've been through,
you definitely deserve better.

it's hard to let go. but i will.
i have no choice.

friendship lasts. relationship ends.

but i still wished upon the shooting star.
it hasnt come true yet.

oh boy.

2008-05-24T09:08:00.004+08:00

it hits me now.
after i turned over and woke up.

you're hugging her to sleep.

but it's normal what.
aiyer, heart sour again.
sigh. i've only got my pillow to comfort me. =(

reii, wake up la dei.
already explained.
already said.
already understood.
already agreed.

what more can i ask for.

stop going back to the same thing.
there's really no point.
it's only a repeated process.

but,

the sound of the rain makes me dream of snuggling up to you even more.
the harder it poured, the more i longed for you..

Let That Be Enough by Switchfoot

I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
And let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy

Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
And let that be enough

you, me & us.

2008-05-24T02:56:00.003+08:00

surprisingly, i dont feel anything.
im numbed. lol.
maybe because she was just standing there the whole night.
and didnt dance much with you. well, at all. =.=

it so amazing that i can actually detach myself!
hey, im communicating well with her.
am i supposed to be jealous? probably should. but i am not.
im not the siao cha boh. lol.
well, even if something happened. it is for the best.
as long as you're happy. ok, let me repeat that alot more times.

but whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
yer, i dont like fate.
let me meet but dont let me be with.

i guess you're better off with her anyways.
i dont have much to offer.
im a bum. and a messy one.
not a good choice.
lol.

maybe i'll get sick and tired of typing all these idiotic emotions of mine.
maybe you'll get sick and tired of reading them.
i know i will wait. i always do.
but are you the right person to wait for?

someday, someday... one fine day...

sigh, i wish you were mine.

then no need so mafan. bleh. sian ah.

不会爱 (Bu Hui Ai) by Fahrenheit.

只好让礼物安静躺在我口袋
zhi hao rang li wu an jing tang zai wo kou dai
Its best to let the gift quietly lie in my pocket

宁愿看着你跟他快乐聊到笑开
zhu yuan kan zhu ni gen ta kuai le liao dao xiao kai yeah~
Peacefully looking at you with him from afar, talking until you laugh

当用情两字不足形容我情感
dang yong qing liang zi bu zu xing rong wo qing gan
The two words “yong qing” is not enough to describe my feelings

心情都随你转弯
xin qing dou sui ni zhuan wan
(My) emotions change according to you

耳机它輕輕吻我耳朵愛情歌听不完
er ji ta qing qing wen wo er duo ai qing gen ting bu wan
The earphone gently kisses my ear, listens to endless love

适合我们的从不是浪漫
shi he wo men de cong bu shi lang man
What suits us has never been romantic

你不会爱我的爱我明白
ni bu hui ai wo de ai wo ming bai
You don’t know how to love my love, I understand

你的最爱那一块哪天我才存在
ni de zui ai na yi kuai na tian wo cai cun zai
Your best love, that piece, only then did I exist

我不会爱你的爱受伤害
wo bu hui ai ni de ai shou shang hai
I don’t know how to love your love without getting hurt

所以宁愿安静的等待
suo yi zhu yuan an jing de deng dai so
So I agreed to patiently and quietly wait

只剩下冰冷空气陪我一整晚
zhi sheng xia bing leng kong qi pei wo yi zheng wan
The only remainder is the icy cold air that is with me all night

寂寞却多到塞车根本无法动弹
ji mo que duo dao sai che gen ben wu fa dong dan yeah~
The amount of loneliness cannot even be compared to a racing car

一翻身我在半夜突然就醒来
yi fan shen wo zai ban ye tu ran jiu xing lai
I turned (on my bed and) suddenly wake up

梦里你的唇柔软
meng li ni de chun rou ruan
Dreaming of your soft lips

耳机它輕輕吻我耳朵愛情歌听不完
er ji ta qing qing wen wo er duo ai qing gen ting bu wan
The earphone gently kisses my ear, listens to endless love

适合我们的从不是浪漫
shi he wo men de cong bu shi lang man
What suits us has never been romantic

你不会爱我的爱我明白
ni bu hui ai wo de ai wo ming bai
You don’t know how to love my love, I understand

你的最爱那一块哪天我才存在
ni de zui ai na yi kuai na tian wo cai cun zai
Your best love, that piece, only then did I exist

我不会爱你的爱受伤害
wo bu hui ai ni de ai shou shang hai
I don’t know how to love your love without getting hurt

所以宁愿安静的等待
suo yi zhu yuan an jing de deng dai
so I agreed to patiently and quietly wait

爱你我慢不下来没有哪一天例外
ai ni wo man bu xia lai mei you na yi tian li wai
loving you, I cannot slow down, no day is an exception

愿自己比快我会赶上你未来
yuan zi ji bi kuai wo hui gan shang ni wei lai ho~
letting myself be quicker, I will make my move on your future

你不会爱我的爱我明白
ni bu hui ai wo de ai wo ming bai
You don’t know how to love my love, I understand

你的最爱那一块哪天我才存在
ni de zui ai na yi kuai na tian wo cai cun zai
your best love, that piece, only then did I exist

我不会爱你的爱受伤害
wo bu hui ai ni de ai shou shang hai
I don’t know how to love your love without getting hurt

所以宁愿安静的等待
suo yi zhu yuan an jing de deng dai
so I agreed to patiently and quietly wait

不怕空白
bu pa kong bai
not afraid of blankness

我继续等待
wo ji xu den dai
I continue my wait

just not the right time for us.

2008-05-14T17:37:00.003+08:00

you helped me understand.
but it still doesnt take away my hopelessness.

i want the best for you.
so, you can go do whatever you want.
as long as you tell me who it is. lol.

actually, im also confused myself.
ahahaha.

im unsure if i can live up to your expectations [if you'd give us a try].

im not a child anymore. i want something more stable.
but at the same time, things dont last.
people change and feelings changes along with them.

besides, we've become such good friends already.

just not the right time.

just not the right time.

just not the right time.

what an agony.

let's just hang out and spot girls.
let go and just fly free.
it's not always about you and me.
let it be, let it be.
there will be a time in destiny,
perfect for us to be.
anywhere you go, i'll be there.
anywhere you'd wanna go.

it IS as TOUGH as it seems.

2008-05-13T02:49:00.003+08:00

seems like im in denial.
well, i am i guess.
keep telling myself that im not bad.
keep my spirits up.
keep my confidence up.
but everything just crashes down everytime.

[J] you toyed with my feelings and funnily enough, i really loved you.

[Q] apparently has feelings for me at first and then, has no feelings for me later.

[E] somehow, somewhere along the line, we became buddies.

what is this. trials and errors of my life. lol.
im so blank right now.
dont know what im supposed to feel.

i love being around you.
i love hanging out with you.
i love the rides we share.
i love our nites out.
i love your rants.

but that's it.
that's the furthest i can go.

we're buddies. i know we are.
but it's still kind of hard to push you to someone else.
if you know what i mean.
i will still do it, but with mixed emotions.
it's an experience for you.
a love life for you.
and im not exactly jealous of what i cant see.
im pretty fond of daphne tan. i think she's kinda cute too.
and all the other hot girls we spot in the clubs, i mean, they're hot!
i'll be happy for you if something did happen between you both. lol.

but no.

its the knowledge of you choosing others rather than me.

you're like the rest of the girls im attracted to.

supposedly im cute, nice to be around with, have a little feeling for me.....
whatever...
it all comes down to one thing.
im just a good friend.

am i just a good friend material?
am i just no more than like?
questions stabbing at my chest.
fogging up my head.

i know i have no choice. but to stay this way.
because i dont want to lose you..
as a buddy, a friend, whatever...
EVER.

you're so not my type. but why am i so attracted to you. (=.=")

gah. im so hungry now. gonna go eat the mac & cheese u left behind.

He starts with her back cause that's what he sees

When she's breaking his heart she still fucks like a tease

Release to the sky, look him straight in the eye

And tell him that now, that you wish he would die

You'll never touch him again so get what you can

Leaving him empty just because he's a man

So good when it ends, they'll never be friends

One more night, that's all they can spend

One more night, that was a good one

One more night, i dreamed it was a good one

One more, one more night, that was a good one

One more night, the end should be a good one

i wish i could.

2008-05-13T02:43:00.001+08:00

OneRepublic

"Say (All I Need)"

Do you know where your heart is?

Do you think you can find it?

Or did you trade it for something

Somewhere better just to have it?

Do you know where your love is?

Do you think that you lost it?

You felt it so strong, but

Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul

You're a lonely soul

Cause you won't let go

Of anything you hold

Well, all I need

Is the air I breathe

And a place to rest

My head

Do you know what your fate is?

And are you trying to shake it?

You're doing your best and

Your best look

You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul

You're a lonely soul

Cause you won't let go

Of anything you hold

Well, all I need

Is the air I breathe

And a place to rest

My head

I said I all I need

Is the air I breathe

And a place to rest

My head

Do you think you can find it?

Better than you had it

Do you think you can find it?

Yeah, better than you had it (Better than you had it)

I said I all I need

Is the air I breathe

And a place to rest

My head

I said I all I need

Is the air I breathe

And a place to rest

My head

Whenever the end is

Do you think you can see it?

Well, until you get there

Go on, go ahead and scream it

Just say it

times when im not online.

2008-05-04T22:17:00.003+08:00

random time.
Damn girl. Don't be so drama!
that's what i should have said.
hahahahax. but by looking at it objectively,
it is quite understandable for a person to act like that in that kind of situation.
probably she just needs a friend. a shoulder. a listener.
but it went down the wrong way.
lol. or probably she suffers from depression.
ah, but it's all in the state of mind.

hm.
okasan said:
such a waste.
me & esh.
the two who didnt like dramas.
the two who just want a simple thing.
too bad now that she's straight.
i guess being a friend is better than nothing at all.
a shoulder to lie on is what people truly needs sometimes.

i am here when you need me, always.

another random time.
when i dislike,
i avoid, i dodge.
when i like,
i sit and wait patiently.
i expect things to come to me.
because they will gradually.
i feel trapped and aimless.
i dont like what im doing now.
i just want to sink to the bottom and dissapear.
i do not have the dicipline nor will.
i skip and ignore.
i run and play around.
what am i? just another wreck like my dad?
im like a mushroom, dependant on others to survive.
will someone pluck me up and eat me?
i do wish to wake up now.

28/4/2008 12.00pm
the weather is warm but im wearing a jacket. LOL.
and the skins around my fingernails are peeling.
i have no directions, i have no aim.
and im tired.
im 23 and still a burden to my family.

"be realistic" my aunt said.

ive been dreaming ever since i was a kid and now, snap out of it?
life is a wonderful dream and death is certai.
it's a cycle in which everyone have to go through.

sitting in a blue bus stop, listening to this korean girl rapper, my skin feels tight,
my mind numbed.
perhaps all i need is sleep.
that sounds like a solution. no?

i need to rest my mind, to awaken it.
to get back my will, my fighting spirit.
ive lost it, lost it all.
the older i get, the more unmotivated i become.
i used to think that nothing is impossible.
well, i still do but im not taking the initiative to go on anymore.
to just continue walking.
im tired. i feel sick.
tired of fate.
tired of life.
tired of uni.
tired of me.

get me out of here.
no wait.
it should be; I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE!

just end it all.

29/4/2008 12.30pm
finally, im in class. and very early too!
hahahahahx. havent been studying nor wrote anything for ages!
oh well, it's gonna end real soon.
ive got to wrap it up.
i must!!
although i have no idea what's going on this week.
but, i'll catch up. ^^

saturday 3/5/2008 10.41am
life itself revolves in the mind.
like how im always late for almost everything.
its probably because im not that interested but i still have got to do it.
which is really bad.
i mean, i have really bad work ethics.
who would hire a person who's always late for meetings, events, office, etc.

see, i do realise.
i do know what's going on.
i know what's the problem.
what im lack of is the push.
for someone to come wake me up.
i know i shouldnt wait, i shouldnt depend.
and i should not make any more excuses.

ah, im tired. i need someone to hug close.
someone to stroke my hair.
just like how boss stroke fafa's head who's lying on her lap.

you're just a dog.

2008-05-04T19:14:00.003+08:00

what the fuck.
you fucking dont have life dude.
mind your own business man.
whatever that's happening to us has nothing to do with you.

fuck off.

you're so full of shit that you dont even fucking deserve a life.
why do you have to go and bother boss's parents??
you're an arsehole to make them worry.
keep your effin big mouth shut.

bloody hell.

dig up our past and throw it at our face.
what a kind and concerned friend you are.
pffffttttt...
and perhaps... you don't know how to read?
or probably, know nothing about dates??
IT'S THE PAST. IT'S BACKDATED.
WHICH IS WHY IT'S IN THE ARCHIVE.
WTH WEY.

if you have a problem with us,
come to us you bloody coward.
why, too scared to face us eh?
and you think you're more secured by going to boss's parents?
you fucking cowardly cunt of an arsehole.

well, perhaps it's the society.
you think you're playing your cards right mister?
you dont know what you're in for.
because you dont want me going after you.
you dont want to, really.
dont tempt nor dare me.
because if you do,
you're in for a ride.
and im going to make sure that it's going to be extremely uncomfortable for you.

common sense.
that is what you're too dumb to understand.
this is a blog.
blogs = online diaries.
helps people keep track of their lives.
gives people a space to get something out so that they can breathe better.
hence the passwords.
you dunce.

and you're probably too sick in the head to understand privacy.
or probably jealous cuz we're getting all the attention.
and you're not getting any.
aww, poor cunt.
but, guess what.
YOU DESERVE THE LONELINESS ARSEHOLE.
and i hope this goes on forever.

YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO FIND YOUR FAMILY.
YOU WILL NOT HAVE SOMEONE BESIDE YOU.
ALL YOUR FRIENDS WILL BACKSTAB YOU.
YOU'LL BE LONELY TILL THE DAY OF YOUR DEATH.
NOBODY WILL LOVE YOU, EVER.

there. that's my message to you, idiot.
print my effin blog again and i'll fucking hunt you down.

the living room couch.

2008-04-14T19:36:00.003+08:00

12.15pm. living room couch.

as blood flows freely out of me,
i sat in silence.
listening and drifting into blurriness.
oh, i am sleepy.
how i wish the day would just end.
without me worrying about what's happening tomorrow.
but why worry when life starts here?
this is the time of my life.
i am free from all clutches and grips.
i am able to carve my destiny.
but here i am
sitting on the living room couch,
feeling my skin tighten due to lack of moisturization.
and, writing this.
I WANT EVERYTHING TO END. DISSAPEAR NOW.

crab.

2008-04-14T19:17:00.002+08:00

13/4/08 after Metro Freo.

My room is in a state of mess. it's an art, really. lol.
boss, fafa, poh, ling and babi qian went to Pulau Ketam trip today!! hate them!! went to trip without me again!!! LOL~
ah, i hope they have fun. they seem like it based on the funny random poses.

hm, things change, people change, seasons change, attitudes change, karma changes. i just hope that it wont be too drastic or too unpleasant to bear.
maybe this is for the best. just like me and esh. when things are not meant to happen, it wont. han ya~ let it go already! we're going great now. why wana make things become so complicated.

get it out of my head, i should.

ahhh... i'm still awake at 4am!! slept at 6am yesterday, went to work at 11.30-5.30pm, reached home at 6.30pm, slept 2 hours and hit the club for Emma's bday celebration! wahsai. im great! haha. Em looks awesome in her red dress neways. ^^

Metro Freo has good music surprisingly. but it has such a bad crowd!
i feel so small there. shoved here and there. all the idiot ang mohs; drunk and uttely imbalanced! even the girls are massive!! which is why they're not my type. hahaha. i'll stick to my cute lil ones, thank you. and im not a paedophile.

hmm, i need to catch up on my dance skills. i'm down to plain jumping and bobbing around. haha! which is bad because it does not differ me from all the drunk people around me. i cant be drunk. i dont drink! lol~

ah, shuffling and running man..... breakdance moves, popping and locking... slide and handstands.... my targets! hahahahahx... if i can motivate myself enough to start practising everyday. which i am not now. lol.

myself. wo zi ji. saya.

2008-04-14T04:34:00.003+08:00

12/4/08 Saturday 5.45pm GC BusStop.

The start is soft but menacing,
creeping slowly into my heart
crushing all of the wonders within.
and that, is the loss of my self.

why am i hoping?
i cant get the picture of you out of my head.
then get it out, you said.
loss for words, i am.
why i put myself through this emotional turmoil which i have created for myself.
nothing is going to happen.

not then, why now?

i dont know.
it's easier if we stay as friends.
it's better this way.
the way we are now.

i love to go clubbing with you.
cuz i dont need a reason to hold u close.
and we can just dance away to the music surrounding us.
for once, my senses were clear.
the sight, smell, sound... the touch of you...
although you're skinny but you're kinda nice to hug! haha~

but then again,
walk away reii. walk away from this.
dont bother anymore.
we're friends.

just good friends.

i splurged.

2008-04-08T00:03:00.003+08:00

wah.

boss and fafa argue again.
sigh. so hard being together meh?
i dont like arguements.
it's hard to meet someone who loves you alot.
so why all the arguements.
not worth the time.

i hope esh is alright.
she had a shitty day.
and i dont know what to do to make her feel better.

dont dare this, dont dare that.
ahhhhhhhh. im stuck.

splurged $275 today tho.
1 jacket/coat/hoodie + 1 backpack + 1 scarf + 2 t-shirts.
im so dead.
haha.

daphne said it's 10hours of work.
hmmn, doesnt seem such a bad idea.
hahahahaahx.

ah, and then there's boss's present.
dont know what to get her.
polo? lacoste? gucci? burberry?

wahlao. i will pokai till duno where.
probably to the next universe.
hahahahahahax...

but i still havent saw anything that boss might like.
*frowns*

oh well. i shall roam again. hahaha.

she's love, she's love...
woohhh ohhh..
she's love she's love...
woohh ohhh...
she is she is....
la da da di~

=D

have a good night guys.

im tired.

my wondering mind.

2008-04-07T03:06:00.003+08:00

you dont feel comfortable with me.
instead, you confided in yan.

haha.
why am i jealous of yan?
oh my god.
i dont have a reason to.
do i?

i dont know.

you told me she's not your type.
maybe because of that you feel more comfortable with her...
and you're not exactly opening up to me.
oh well, i'll just shut up and listen.

or rather, not probing you further about it because i fear that you'll avoid me.

yerrrrrr!!
yan oso like you what. bah~

ahh ahh!
i've got to stop thinking.
too much is bad for my health.
lol.

*inhales deeply and exhale*

give it some time.
go with the flow.
being single is good!

i reminded myself everytime my mind wanders back to you.

ah, time to go take a shower.
it'll all be alright tomorrow when i wake up.
it'll all be gone.

tonight is just one of the many nights.

heartbeat.

2008-04-03T01:11:00.002+08:00

Jordan Chan:
wo ai de ren, bu shi wo de ai ren.
ta xin li mei yi chun, dou shu yu ling yi ge ren.

wo ai de ren, ta yi you le ai ren
chong ta men de yan shen, shuo ming le wo bu ke neng.

Fan Wei Qi:
yi ge ren qi shi ye mei you shen me bu hao.
bu yao yin wei ai cuo le yi ge ren jiu fou jue a mei hao de ke neng.
bu guan ru he dou bu yao wang ji,
ni shi jui hao de,
yao xiang xin ni jue dui you xin fu de zhi ge.
ni zhi you yi ge, du yi wu er,
ta bu dong zhen xi, shi ta tai ben.
you duo shao ren deng zhe,
yao zhuo ni zui zai hu de ren.

haha.
shen me shi ai ne?
wo ye bu que ding.
wo zhen de ai ni ma?
wo bu zhi dao.
wo zhen de ai shang le ma?
wo hui da bu dao.

ye xu you yi tian hui you yi ge ren hui lai jiu wo.

maybe it's just lust.
maybe it's just attraction.
maybe it's just loneliness.
maybe it's just admiration.
maybe it's just who i am.

being a victim of love.

set my priorities right. it's great being single!
hmmn, maybe i should explore the possibilities of flings.
instead of dwedling on something that's not going to happen.
booyah! i need a change of mind.

you never said.
it is i who hoped.
i shall stop now.

or at least try to stop hoping.

haha.

oweiii!!! my studies shall not go down the drain!
eh? if i put my attention to assignments and books.
will that take my mind off her?

hm. give it a try, i shall.

yoshaaaa~!

this song is so addictive.

2008-04-01T00:21:00.002+08:00

Untouched by The Veronicas.

I go ooh ooh, you go ah ah
lalalala alalala

lalalalalala
I wanna wanna wanna get get get what I want
Don't stop
Give me give me give me what you got got
Cause I can't wait wait wait any more more more more
Don't even talk about the consequence
Cause right now you're the only thing that's making any sense to me
And I don't give a damn what they say, what they think think
Cause you're the only one who's on my mind
I'll never ever let you leave me
I'll try to stop time for ever, never wanna hear you say goodbye (bye bye bye)

I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you

Untouched
And I need you so much

See you, breathe you, I want to be you
Alalala alalala
You can take take take take take time time
To live live the way you gotta gotta live your life
Give me give me give me all of you you
Don't be scared
I'll see you through the loneliness of one more more more
Don't even think about what's right or wrong, wrong or right
'Cause in the end it's only you and me and no one else is gonna be around
To answer all the questions left behind
And you and I are meant to be so even if the world falls down today
You've still got me to hold you up up
And I will never let you down (down)

I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you

Untouched, untouched, untouched, untouched, untouched
Alalala alalala
Untouched
Alalala alalala

I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you

I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
I've gone crazy from the moment I met you

Untouched, untouched, untouched

the rain came pouring down.

2008-03-31T16:02:00.002+08:00

hm, i sleep better with the sounds of rain pouring down.
seems like a lullaby for me.

maybe because i slept in agony last night.
my teeth is killing me!
i dont know if it's my gums, or my wisdom teeth or hole in my tooth.
............................
effin pain! i had 2 panadols and 2 aspirins...
and 2 more aspirins in the morning...
gah, gotta visit the dentist real soon...
if not, i'll be losing weight because it hurts even when i drink water...

(=.=)

lou dau's mom made carrot cake!!! *slurps*
i cant wait for her to get back to put the icing on it so that i can feast on it!
eh wait. i have a toothache. wtf.
bah......................... i'll endure the pain for this.

im still slacking here, lacking there.

im looking foward to the beach tmr!! ^^
esh in bikini... woohoo! wahahahahhahaahhahax...
i sound like a wolf. ngek ngek ngek~

oh well, figured that it's alright to be single.
although i long to belong but maybe it's not the time yet.
so many people to meet. so many stuff to see.
i'll bound to bump into somebody.
but i'm stuck now.
i wont stop running after you.
you're my fuel. you keep me going.

maybe i'll get tired.
maybe i'll snap out of it.

whatever happens, i have always wanted a chance with you.

carpe diem! seize the day!

and that is what i shall do.

cast a spell on me.

2008-03-30T22:39:00.004+08:00

Midnight Pain by After The Fall.

Breathe now
And rest your eyes
Sleep will come, and bring the night
Oh no

I dream of silver spoons
I dream of lying, next to you
I dream that when I, wake
That you'll be there lying next to me

Oh no
Oh no
Oh no

Beneath the covers
It feels like home
The nights get cold, when your all alone
Oh no

I dream of silver spoons
I dream of lying, next to you
I dream that when I, wake
That you'll be there lying next to me
And everything's okay
There's no more pennies to save
No more midnight pain

hmmmn, let see what i'll do next week.
ah, for starters..
cook for you! haha. ^^

sheesh. its bad that i dont have a car here.
if not, i'll get the bbt for you this instant.

(=.=)

i want what i cant have.
dont you too?
oh, but im available.
haha.

it's 3.01PM

2008-03-27T15:01:00.006+09:00

here i am.
sitting in my boxers and singlet.

thought about esh's words last night on msn.
"i'm not just a pass student"

hmmn, suddenly i realise im such a slack.
i'm wasting time and throwing my opportunity away.
i've been blessed and given a chance to come over to study.
but all i do is laze around the house and play.

all i do is fucking PLAY.

i never seem to be able to learn my lessons.
it repeats day after day.
an ordeal after another.
i keep relapsing back to my usual routine of doing nothing.
absolutely nothing.

surely i've got more life than this.
i know im not a studious person.
but i can get the words out. if i try.

THAT'S IT!

i don't even bother trying.
all i aim for is pass.
my results are always slightly above fail.

wtf. am. i. thinking.

oh my god.
i'm so dependant.
so childish.
so ignorant.

i realise the facts but i won't do anything to change it.
i just let it pass as days goes by.
i've set my priorities wrongly.
jumbled up everything.
well, not exactly.
i'm just more of an activity person than sit down and type assignments.

gahh~~
i should have chosen screen and sound.
instead of stupid media with heaps of readings.

im more than halfway done.
i have to finish it.

but this is not what i want.

cold nights.

2008-03-26T02:55:00.002+09:00

im thinking of you.
be my personal heater... can? =)
i don't ask for more. i won't. because i understand.
it's not enough but it's sufficient enough for me right now.
i wish for more but i know i can't.
i don't want to hold back but i will.
i've got to go slow. i have to.
soon, i'll forget.
forget about my dreams.
forget about my wants.
forget about how i feel.
and soon, i'll turn into a player.
soon enough. just wait and see.

alone.

2008-03-24T21:47:00.003+09:00

fate.
are you playing with me?

i have friends.
i have family.
i have music.
i have movies.
i have a life.

but i dont have you.

this world is crappy.
i dont like.
again i lost to my gender.
when will they open their eyes.
they're too old to understand us.
but i dont care really.

to be able to love also meant to be able to get hurt.
love comes with hurt no matter how loving two person is.

i dont have to go thru series of love in order to know love.
i say what i feel and step in precaution.
but that is not enough it seems.

maybe later.
not now.

the time is always not right.

when will it ever be right?
i hope i dont have to wait for long.
i can only hope.

but then, i'll never be good enough.

haha. life sucks. esh.

[NCL]

2008-03-03T01:55:00.000+09:00

2nd March 2008

why cant i stop missing you?

=.=

you're treating me cold again.
didn't bother about me anymore.
don't want to know anything about me anymore.
did i just suddenly dissapear in your life? so easily?
i guess my existance isn't that significant in your life after all.

the heart wonders, hopes and dreams.which only to be crushed by reality.
sigh.

i'm a nobody to you.
you don't even care.

so why should i even bother about you.
so why should i even care about you.
so why should i lay myself on your mercy.
so why should i regard you with such importance.

why oh why,my heart aches so.

never will i truly understand myself.

Ms Q

2008-03-03T01:43:00.001+09:00

29th Feb 2008

Not exactly the day of my life.
Not the worse either.
Just striding in between glad and despair.
I finally got an answer from Ms Q...
Not really the answer i was expecting.
Actually, it was the answer i feared most...
in this whole freaking time...

I'm at a blur now..
What happened to us?
We were fine, we were happy.
And suddenly you backed out.
I don't know where i went wrong.
i guess the sparkle in us isnt strong enough to become fiery red.
yes, i know... there's loads of other people out there...
don't give up the whole forest just because of a tree...
i know lah... i've heard and gave the same advice to other people...
but its just the longing, the dreams, the imagination, the period, the time, the place, the situations... which didn't come...

left me here, hoping for something that i could do to change your mind..

xin li de bao bei bian cheng yan lei...
i did shed a tear, while passing the park, on the way home...
emotions overcame me and i just felt like crying..
i guess, this is normal for rejection... hahaha...

somehow, im glad that i hugged you to sleep that night..
somehow, i regretted hugging you to sleep that night..
somehow, i regretted ignoring the chances to hug you..
somehow, im glad that i've got an answer from that hug..

oh god... why does tis happen to me all the time..
am i that bad? do i suck that much? am i such a turnoff?

what the fuck.

i always can't attract the one i want.
always attract those whom i do not wish to go any further than friends.

you liked me before.
why this? why now?
where have the feeling gone?
i believe you do not know the answer either.
we sagittarius-es can move from a feeling to another at lightning speed.
but why do my mind still linger on you?

argh. i need to release this frustration in me.
i cant forget. i cant move.
all i know is that... i miss you...

zhen me neng wang.
shi jian duo chang.
ni yao de bu shi wo.
cheng jing gei ni de gan dong.
zhi shi qing xu de puo dong.
neng gei de bu shi wo.
wo bei yi wang zai ni yi wang de jiao luo.

the towel you gave me.. i didnt use it.. i hug it to sleep every night..
how silly of me.. hahaha... but, i guess i am that silly...

i keep comforting myself by singing to JJ Lin's "Qi Dai Ni De Ai"...
keep telling myself that one day, one fine day, you'll see me..
keep reminding myself that i could win back your heart if i try harder..
keep comforting myself that you're still young and you need time and space..
keeping faith that i have fate with you...

sigh, another effort. another girl. another hole. another dissapoinment.
when will this end? would you end this for me?
im tired laaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh...

knn cb! i hate this. i hate for being so useless. i hate me.

=.=

last day.

2007-12-31T19:55:00.000+09:00

last day of the year.
so many things unresolved.
so many things left blank.

im ending 2007 with frustrations.
so much that i felt like bursting.

gained some friends, lose some.
got close to some, in a distance with some.
gained some feelings, lose some love.
got close to you, somehow stuck in nothingness.
gained some style, lose some confidence.

wo men de ai.
zhen me chai suan zhi ran?
wo men de ai, suan shi ai ma?
hai shi ai mei ne?
ai mei hen tong ku.
rang ren xin tong, rang ren ku.
dan shi wo hai zai zhe li.
wu nai de deng dai.

i keep telling myself to give you time.
keep telling myself that i cant give you security yet.
keep telling myself to wait.
keep telling myself that i cant give you what you want yet.
keep telling myself to be patient.
keep telling myself not to rush.
keep telling myself to give you space to figure everything out first.

but you.

you didn't give me any hints.
you didn't give me any hope.

i am left wih nothing.
stuck in this stupid thoughts of mine.
do you want me?
you never came around into answering that.

and i keep giving you pressure.

we're friends, just friends.
our feelings havent reach that level yet.

what happen????? arghhhhh!!!!!!!!
i dont understand.
i like you and you like me but we're not together.
maybe not enough fate?
havent even start, sudah end. hahax.

funny how things happens this way. lady love doesnt like me very much i suppose. hahax. found the person but not her heart.

what is life with no one to share with? doesnt really matter now. does it? im too used to be alone. till it comes to a point where i dont care about anyone and everyone. i dont care about myself. i dont care about my family. i dont care about my friends.

im tired of life. i truly am. hope that it ends soon. like how the year ends tonight.

never take friendship personal.

2007-12-24T01:25:00.000+09:00

again i stood; unwanted in the middle of nowhere.
somehow i figured that this is life.
isn't it?
the confusion.
the want.
the need.

when the darkness turns to light,
it ends tonight.

my wish.
my hopes.
my dreams.

i don't like this feeling in me.
i know i want you.
and you like me too.
but it is not enough.
although i'm in a better position than wex, i am nowhere near desirable.

i guess it's too fast...
i'm moving too fast and wanting too much from you...
i should stop and slow down...
reflect on myself before i do anything else.
focus on my career...
focus on perfecting my life before anything else..

yeah, i should do that..

stop thinking about whether u like me or not...
stop thinking whether you want me or not...
stop thinking about anything and everything that leads back to you & me...

we're comfortable now... and i have just unintentionally caused rocky waves to both of our emotions and feelings...
i really should stop drinking vinegar..
gah~ i hate it...

we're not even together and i shouldn't be an idiot and merajuk at you..
halo! i've got to wake up...
what we have is friendship...
got to remind myself that everyday...
each and everyday when i wake up...

i know you don't want to hurt me...

but i just cant stop hoping...
i'm being selfish... hahax...
oh well, if i can't fix myself, how can i give my all to you?

tarot!! i want to go for tarot reading liao...
i can feel that the end is near...
nearer than the last...

time will tell.
it never lies.
it's just that the waiting kills.

cmi lah! nabeh~

2007-11-28T21:12:00.000+09:00

zhen de hen bu shuang hess.
saw her friendster profile... and saw "^^QQ".... QQ her ass!! go far far away~!
(-.-") ma de~!!! i oso duno why i so hng~~
fuck lah!

grrr~~~ dun lemme bump into her.. i might be unable to control myself and throw a punch at her stupid face.... (=.=)

ok.. calm down... >.<>

sigh~

i miss her.

and im actually worrying and afraid about me & her..
wad if she doesnt want to be with me?
wad will i do?

i duno lehh.... but i know, this kind of thing... cant force de... i keep reminding myself to shun qi zhi ran ba... im doing the best i can but she's still young... waiting for us might be a problem...

i know i can wait... because she's worth the wait... but feelings may fade and situations can change... right now, it's just getting complicated... not to say that it involves us but it involves the people around us... i guess, we can just be good listeners and not being influenced by any of it...

come to think of it, will it be difficult ar?

bro is sleeping in my room... there's no room!! (>.<") kick him to the sofa downstairs.... wahahahahhax...

hmmn, im used to be alone and free liao... no restrictions... eat whenever and whatever i want, dont eat if i dont want to, sleep whenever and wake up whatever time i want, online however long i wish, go out whatever time i want, come back however late i want, do whatever i feel like, bathe whatever time i want, go wherever i want...

i really cant imagine what will happen when i get back..

all i know is, i want to spend most of my time with you. ^^ QQ....

wahahahhahahax....

what a birthday..

2007-11-23T08:18:00.000+09:00

not interesting.
hahahahax.

headache + period + assignment on my birthday.
wonderful!!

but, really wana thank everyone who wished me.
i've been out of touch and they still managed to get to me.
really appreciated everyone who wished me.

Hsin, Mitty, Jen, Vincent, Oba, Muni : THANKS FOR THE SURPRISE!!
i was really surprised when you guys appeared at my bedroom door.. hahax... love you guys!!!! ^^ Jen, it's a lovely cake~ yummyfying~! wakaka~ *hugz*

and babu, you're the last one. your birthday song make me feel so xing fu.. made me smile to myself... ^^ thank you for staying up late for me.. =D

lastly, my fave number is permanently stated on me.

HAPPY 22ND BIRTHDAY TO MYSELF!

woohoo~~ a year older, another year of learning, another year of mistakes and achievements, another year of love, another year of frustrations, another year of fun, another year of trying and end up tiring, another year to grasp hold to my youth, another year to learn how to appreciate those around me, another year to learn about the importance of money....

i am who i am. i cant go faster. i go slow.
i did not try my best because i'll just let it go.
please look at me as a whole.
because deep inside, there is alot to know.

do not assume you know me.
let me know you, let it be.
do not assume that i have money.
because that's my family's, not me.

i am utterly impossible to determine,
although sometimes you will know where i have been.
being smart and studious is not my scene,
because it just aint in my genes.

i do mistakes and i repeat them,
dont fret, it's not the end.
this is life, this is me.
a loser, a failure, a sinner, a fool,
feels like i dont belong here.
no, i dont belong here.
i'm a beautiful letdown.

one heart for one person only.

2007-11-14T05:05:00.000+09:00

What If your EX tell you this:

I'm not suitable for u dear.... sry..
- too bad then. i hope you'll find your happiness soon.

Can i be ur pet bro/sis?
- errr.... ok oso geh... =.=

Why did I let you go?
- ask yourself that.

Can I win you back?
- haha. i drew the line.

I still love you.
- continue then. but you've lost our chance.

Can you go with me?
- u made the choice. stick with it.

Will you able to move on when I have not?
- yes. it's not all about you when it's not all about me.

I regret losing you.
- you said you wont look back. (ba shou fang kai, ye xu hui bi jiao kuai le)

I cannot keep my promise to you.
- i didnt keep mine.

My parents do not like you.
- ure my EX.. =.=

My friends says we don't look good together
- so?? they dont look that good either.

You have changed.
- people and things change through time. time that is lost cannot be recovered. a broken heart can be fixed but it'll never be the same for that person who broke it.

you made the choice. and i made mine. if you used reverse psychology on me, well; it pretty much backfired. we could have been very happy. we could have been very compatible. but, it's all in the closet now. i've put it away. i thought i would want to wait for you. but, i don't want to be your second choice. i don't want to be the fool who's hoping for someone who only wish to be with me and not actually being with me. you're upset but i'm not going to do anything about it because it's her problem. not mine. anymore. i'm sorry that it has to be this way. our feelings for each other will never be the same again.

my heart only have space for one person at a time. and i've found that person. i am not hua xin nor a player. i just dont like to lose the chance. she may be your best friend (not sure if she still is) but her mindset is different from yours. you have your attractions and she have hers. i don't know the future, i don't know if we're compatible. i just want to know her better and spend time with her.

you've lost us.
right at the moment when you called me and asked me about the friendster photos. we're friends now. just friends.

i drew the line. you thickened it.

Friendster Horoscope for October 30, 2007

2007-10-30T18:00:00.000+09:00

The Bottom Line

If you can be flexible right now, you will open your life up to more spontaneity.

In Detail

Sometimes, you just have to go on faith. You're at a crossroads right now -- and time is running out. You need to decide which way you're going soon, and you won't have the luxury of knowing all the information you want to know about your options. The good news is that you're in a very solid lucky phase, where your instincts can fill in the blanks and help you take a calculated risk. So even if you're not completely sure, go in the direction that just feels the most comfortable now.

forget about it.

2007-10-30T12:51:00.000+09:00

suan le.
forget about it.
wo men de ai, guo le jiu bu zai hui lai,
zi dao xian zai wo hai muo muo de deng dai..
wei shen me wo hai zai xiang?
ni xuan zhe le ta.
wo bu ying gai zai deng dai.
dan shi, wo hai zai deng...
deng dai yong yuan de chu xian.
haha.
wo zhen sha.

ta zi bei.
ni xuan zhe le ta...
ta hai zi bei????!!!
ma de..
ying gai shi wo zi bei bah...
do you know why ure the 1st gal i chased?
it's because i am zi bei.
im not confident at all..
(=.=)

if both of you breakup already, and i'm still single..
and your heart doesn't belong to her anymore...
then maybe, we'll be together..
don't come to me just because i'm there for you.
come to me because u feel for me..
come to me because u like me alot...
come to me because u love me...
and nothing else...
i don't want to be your rebound.
i don't want to be your spare tyre.

HUAARRRGGHHH!!!!!!
GERAM ARH!!
WO BU YAO ZAI SHANG XIN LE!!
HAO NAN SHOU ARH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...

how can i push away all my dreams?
how can i push aside all my hope?

i dunno. i dunno. i dunno.

you shei hui lai jiu wo...
dai wo li kai zhi ge di fang...

so what?

2007-10-28T15:07:00.000+09:00

wo hao ai ni, na yiu zhen me yang?
wo hao xiang nian ni, na yiu zhen me yang?
wo hao xiang jian ni, na yiu zhen me yang?
wo hao shang xin, na yiu zhen me yang?
wo hao xiang gen ni qu lv xing, na yiu zhen me yang?
wo hao xiang gen ni du guo xia yu tian, na yiu zhen me yang?
wo hen xiang hen xiang bao ni zai huai li, na yiu zhen me yang?
wo hao xiang qian ni de shou yi qi qu guang jie...
wo hao xiang gen ni yi qi kan ye wan de xing xing...
wo hao xiang an an jing jing de tang zai ni huai li...
wo hao xiang he ni kan hen duo hen duo de dian ying...
wo hao xiang gen ni yi qi pai hen duo hen duo he zhao..
wo hao xiang gen ni yi qi pai hen duo hen duo de da tou tie...

wo hao xiang, wo hao xiang, wo hao xiang yong you ni.
dan shi ni shuo, ai yi ge ren bu yi ding neng yong you...

hen ke xi ni yao de bu shi wo.
wo de meng zhi neng bian cheng meng. bu ke neng shi xian le.
ni you gen wo yi qi zhuo meng ma?
ni bu she de ni de ling yi ge...
wo zhi neng an an jing jing de ku qi..

ku shen me ne?
wei shen me lei yi zhi liu?
wei shen me wo de xin ying ying zai tong?

ni bu yao wo le.
ni yao li kai wo.
ni bu yao gen wo lian luo le.

wei shen me wo bu ken rang ni li kai?
wei shen me wo hai shi hen xiang jian ni?
wei shen me wo hai shi zhen me de ai ni?

wei shen me??? wo bu dong.
wo bu zhi dao wo wei shen me hui zhe yang.

chi bu xia, shui bu zhao...
zhi neng fa dai.. bu zhi bu jue..
fei dao wo meng li mian, he ni zai yi qi..

zhi dui ni shuo, sarangheyo.

2007-10-27T22:34:00.001+08:00

you asked why didnt we have a song. here it is. our song. or rather, my song to you.

4 hours of sleep.

2007-10-27T09:38:00.000+08:00

she wanted to buy the rm300+ watch for you...
i nearly gave up my future just to be with you...

之隔感觉很难说。
我很想要却不能要你。
因为我是第三者。

i keep asking myself why.
why did you make me feel as if i'm the only one for you?
why did you tell me that you're with her just because i'm here?
why did you give me hope that we'll be together when i get back?
why did you give me those dreams and thoughts and just take it away?
why did you tell me that you have never ... ?

actually, it doesn't matter what you tell me.
i will just be in ignorance and still be very much in love with you.
i'm THAT stupid.

baby, don't make the same mistakes again.
i don't want another person to feel just like i do.
it's not a good feeling..
you'll feel like your heart has been ripped out.
you'll feel like you shouldn't have made the step.
you'll feel like a dumb fool.

i know you like me.
but i don't know if you love me.
i don't understand you well enough to be certain of the answer.

爱情没有条件好不好..
(偏偏)只有一个人让我心跳...

i'm going to work now.
hopefully i won't be in a daze and scald my fingers again. =.=

还要爱。。

2007-10-27T02:45:00.000+08:00

this is not what i've expected.

must love make a fool out of me?
is god trying to play a trick on me?
why do i always fail in the subject of love?
why is it always another person?
am i not good enough?
do i look stupid?
do i look like i can be played?
do i look like im an idiot?
do i look naive????

MTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and yet, i cant be frustrated or angry at you.

you don't know how deep is the cut you gave me.
if i could, i would cut my heart out and give it to you.
that's how deeply i felt for you.

but you chose her.

me. the stupid fool. is sitting here writing this blog. with the tears falling down from my face.

i keep telling myself that you lied to me about your girlfriend.. you just want me to pay more attention to you... and suddenly today, whooossshh~~~

you and her 1 1/2 years... me and you haven't even reach 6 months...

you were telling me the truth after all.

it was me who was being really stubborn. i was being a cow. i was the idiot.

it rained a lot today. it's really cold. and my heart... i lost my heart... got washed away by the rain falling down from my face..

what were you thinking? you chose her. and yet, you still like me. you sound like jesmin... the one who's making kitvy suffer like shit...

buddy, im sitting on the same boat as you. now i truly know how u felt.

爱本来就该独一无二。。。

now i know why you don't write me testimonials...
now i know why you don't reply my sms...
now i know why you seemed cold...
now i know why you are reluctant to tell me that you miss me or love me...
now i finally know the answers to my questions all this while...

what do i do now?
when do i stop?
where do i go?
can we still be friends?

i know i still love you deeply and want you more than ever.

the question is... do you want me?

runaway.

2007-10-26T13:53:00.000+08:00

wanna runaway.

runaway from all this. runaway with you. runaway to another land.

i don't like this feeling of being pushed away.

i don't like you being cold to me.

you told me not to call/sms you until after SPM.
okay, i understand that you have to concentrate. so i shall not bug you.

you said thank you for the chocolates.
okay, you're welcomed but yet you sound so distant from me.

you asked me if i had bought the concert tickets, if not, you don't want to go.
okay, i don't know if Qian/Ru bought it but it'll be there for you.

if you really don't want to go, i will not force you.
but it'll be wonderful if you go together with me.

im tired.
i don't know what's wrong with me.
i don't know what's wrong with my mind.
i don't know what's wrong with my mouth.

maybe i miss you too much.
maybe i have lost my enthusiasm towards life.
maybe im just tired of being myself.

Please come and save me...

aha aha aha.

2007-10-24T13:15:00.000+08:00

You Are An ESFP

The Performer

You are a natural performer and happiest when you're entertaining others.
A great friend, you are generous, fun-loving and optimistic.
You love to laugh - and you like almost all people equally.
You accept life as it is, and you do your best to make each day fantastic.

In love, you are a smooth talker and incorrigible flirt.
While you get into relationships easily, you don't tend to stick around when times get tough.

At work, you do well in groups. You keep everyone laughing through difficult tasks.
You would make a good actor, designer, or counselor.

How you see yourself: Capable, fair, and efficient

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Incompetent, stubborn, and silly

What's Your Personality Type?

!@#$%^&*

2007-10-23T02:00:00.000+08:00

say that you love me,
say that you care.

i would really love that.

even though i may say that i don't mind, i understand,
i think otherwise.

i know you're just teasing me but i just cant help but to feel sad every time you say that you don't love me... well, maybe you don't feel as much already..

arghhh~!! im contradicting myself!! say till like i so wai dai.. like i understand everything but in the end... im sitting here, feeling emo.. what the hell.. why do i feel this way???!!! aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh~~~

i don't want to give you pressure.
i don't want to make you feel bad.

who am i. who am i. who am i.

i'm not even your girlfriend.

who am i kidding.

haha.

=.=

hm...

ok. i don't wana be your girlfriend now..
because i'm not there beside you.
i can't be there for you right now.
all i can do is sit by the phone.
and talk to you.
let that girlfriend of yours take her time.
because when im back, you'll be back with me.

i wanna be your lover, your honey, your darling, your baby, your boo, your mariana, your toiletbowl, your sweetheart, your dear..

i just wana be yours.

NothingInParticular.

2007-10-17T15:20:00.000+08:00

i have no skills in art.
lol...

been trying to do the exercises posted up by my lecturer but my art ended up looking like a kindergarden kid's drawing... omg~~~
oh well... doesn't matter, as long as i have something to hand in... wahahahahhax!!

baby say those people who use their brain alot will tend to sleep more... how come i dont feel like im exercising my brain much? instead, my brain gets stuck often at one section of the topic.... (=.=) i need brain juice.... ehh... nono... i need brain transplant from a smart dude... lol~~

i had a weird dream.
i dreamt that i was hanging out wid zaizai.... wahahahahx...!!!
(>.<) woke up feeling weird... hm, duno why oso... hoho...

it's raining outside..
rain rain rain...
it's spppprrrriiiinnngggggg....
i want cool air cond weather please...
not cold & wet weather...

i only like rain when im with you.. =D

hmmn, 6 more weeks till i see you again... ^^

yorrrhhhhhh!!!!
stupid flight centre... havent get back to me...
sien... i want go back fast-fast and hug you tight!! (-.-")

hmmn, craving for nasi lemak... curry noodle... roti canai... wantan mee...
wooohhhhhh.... *slurps* mau makan!!! mau mau mau~~~~~~~ T.T

ok. im gona go back to my drawings now. hopefully i can be more artistic this time and create a more mature piece... wahahhahax...

-gone-

Zai Yi Ci

2007-10-12T20:18:00.001+08:00

Zai Yi Ci - Cherry Boom

再一刺...

2007-10-12T18:11:00.000+08:00

tired.
dissapointed.
depressed.
hurt.
hearbroken.
still hopelessly in love with you.

i want to cry.
i just want to cry my heart out.. but i cant...
because my heart is in your hands...
my jaw hurts, my chest tightens..
but there's no tears..
and everytime i think of you, it's difficult for me to breathe.

i dont know why am i so in love with you.
i didnt even spend time with you.
i didnt even go places with you.
i wasnt even literally there with you.
all i had was your voice.
and i still can fall till so deep.

ni ai wo ma? ni shi ai wo de ba.
wei lai zhen de hen chang.
ru guo ni bu yuan yi hui da,
zui hou wo hui zai wen yi chi ni ai wo ma...?

but you dont even know if you love me..

you asked if i will chase you back in dec..
of course i will!!
but if you're happy with your current gf..
then, i will not..

but then, i might not even go find you.
if i see you, i might just siam away before you notice me.
i might not even go back in december.

i don't know.

i don't want you as my friend.
i want you to be mine. just mine.
and i want you more than ever.

8 more weeks.
i will work hard. study hard.
just to stop myself from going insane.
just to stop myself from being depressed.

再一刺 - 櫻桃幫 (Zai Yi Ci - Cherry Boom)
wo kan bu dao
jia zhuang ting bu dao
ni xuan zhe le hua mian yi kao
zhang kai ni de shuang shou
ye bu zai shi na ge shu yu wo de yong bao

wo ting bu dao
jia zhuang wo hen hao
mang de mei shi jian wei ni kuan rao
chi shi wo de yan jing, shi le ku le
hai shi bu gan rang ni zhi dao

yi yang de jie jing, yi yang de tian chi
bu yi yang shi ni you le ta de guan xi...

trying to feel my heartbeat.

2007-10-12T00:46:00.000+08:00

you.

it always have been you.
happy 5th anni baby.
i love you.
i truly do.

and yet,

i am single + available but attached.

im single & available cuz im not in a relationship with anyone.

but... im attached... to you...

why? i dont know. my heart is still in your hands.

and you really have a gf edi. i feel so stupid leh.
i guess i was really stubborn. haha.
im such a cow. lol.

sighh...
你爱我爱的那么辛苦... 你累了... 那就算了吧...
if ure happy, i will be happy too...
if she do anything wrong to you, i will fckin whack the shit out of her.
watch me..

she's studying architechture.
she have a brighter future.
she's younger than me.
she's in malaysia.
she's beside you.

every part also win me liao.

我真失败..

ha ha ha.

come take me away...

2007-10-10T20:17:00.000+08:00

it's grey skies here. in my world.

why do i get the feeling like you don't care?
2 more days and it'll be 5 months of me & you...
but does it still count?
when do we start.
when did we stop.
where are we standing.
do i keep counting.

maybe im just clapping happily with myself.
im so into you but i never really know much about your feelings towards me.
cuz u never really tell me... ahaks...
well, except for the "im not attracted to you" part...
and the so called gf... u told me she doesnt exist...
yet, you keep bringing her up...
it's driving me insane...

to be honest, sometimes i feel tired...
tired of hanging on to the possibilities that you feel the same as i do..
am i that bad? am i such a turnoff?

i can only tell myself not to think so much.
reii... dont think le...
the more you think, the more depressed, frustrated & tired you will be...

but, at least pickup to say goodnight?

what is life?
what is growing up?
what is being 22 about?

mushiee's friendster profile wrote:

.:: life is too precious to worry about stupid shit, so have fun, get drunk and fall in love! say what you want to say and do what you want to do with no regrets and dont let people who dont matter bring you down ::.

.:: nothing lasts forever, so live it up, drink it down, laugh it off, avoid the bullshit, take chances and never have regrets cause at one point everything you did was exactly what you wanted =) ::.

.:: live with intention, walk the edge, listen hard, practice wellness, play with abandon, laugh, choose with no regret, continue to learn, appreciate your friends, do what you love and live as if there is no tomorrow ::.

life indeed is quite short. i may not live to see tomorrow.
actually, i dont mind if i cant live to see tomorrow...
hahahax... so many things that i want to do...
so little time... so many setbacks...
i am not free...

i wana fly... want to make my own decisions...
want to do whatever i want...
want to do whatever i feel...
im willing to compromise...
but, im afraid that i'll lose myself...
lose my family, lose my friends, lose you...

so now, do i start to fly?
i really want to.

Aunt Ping said, the is a difference on how they deliver the teachings...
but the most important thing is what i deliver...

stay here or go back?

i am still undecided...

awesome! incredible! absolutely superb~!

2007-09-24T17:36:00.001+08:00

23rd september 2007 is one of the best days of my life.

super high. superbly insane. super awesome!
why? because.....

your msn pm wrote: "U love me not bcz of my beauty. i <3 mariana.."

you said: "i miss you", "i love toiletbowl", "me and her no more jor", "actually, she doesnt exist"....

hoho..... i tell you.... i happy till sot jor~~
wakaka.... i felt like im riding a roller coaster... dem shuang~~~
why did you make up that story about you being wid her...
i duno.... but im happy that she doesnt exist!!!!
actually, i didnt really believe it... because i believe you do truly love me...
but as gullible as i can be, i take in your words...
and let myself be emotional.... (=.=")
you do know that i'll believe whatever you tell me...
now hor, i kinda think that im abit de stupid...
ahaks...... but nevertheless extremely happy that she doesnt exist at all!!!

hohoho~~~

oh well, im glad that we're going along fine now...
the rough rides along the way was really bumpy...
and im glad that we overcomed all of that...
im really grateful...
thank you baby.... for staying in this with me...
our 4th month is coming soon.... ^^
and when our 6th month reaches, im back by your side...

=D

i am really looking foward to Dec...
waiting anxiously for the day when i can hug you tight...
im in my week 7 now...
my sem ends in week 12...
im halfway there....

i miss you baby..... so so much...

Funny Bunny

2007-09-23T12:15:00.000+08:00

why. do. i. get. so. worked. up. over. friendster. still.

(=.=")

argh~~~

it's just friendster.
why do i feel weird everytime i view her page.
is this jealousy? is this sadness? is this irritation?
i have no idea.

pffffttttttt......

hm. i put too much importance on friendster.
iiiivvvveeeeee ggggggooooottttt tttttooooo cccchhhhaaaannnngggeeee ttthhhiiiissss kkiiinndd ooofff ttthhhhiiinnnnnkkkkiiiinnnngggg.........
yeah. i've got to change my mindset.

i am still blocked tho.
cant comment nor view her photo comments.
haha. (=.=)

what's wrong with me????
oh my god...

there is no need to acknowledge me in friendster.
that is not important.
the MOST important thing is to let me know that you love me.
messages. sayings. emoticons. whatever ways.
just let me know you love me.... can? sighx...
or miss me? just a little bit will do... just a little bit...
my heart cringe everytime you mention the other person.
i don't know who is she.
and i don't wish to know.
im afraid that i'll lose control of myself.
not that i'm going to hurt her.
im just afraid that i'll hurt myself.
ahaks.

(=.=")

Ying said that ignorance is bliss...
but can i ignore...? pretend that i didnt hear the word?
maybe i can. all i can do is try.

The Calling - For You:
im there for you. no matter what.
im there for you. never giving up.
you know it's true. you were there for me.
and im there for you.
for you.
for you.
for you.

have a little faith in me.

i'm never gonna run away with another girl here.
all i want is you. and only you.
of all things, you dreamt about me being with another girl.

(=.=)

wahlaoooooo.... i won't lor....
do i make you feel so insecure with me?
sighx~ how can, how can i make you feel more secure?
nandeska~~~~~ nani....... nandaiyo~~~~
aih, you drive me crazy... crazy in love...

hohoho~~

i understand.

2007-09-20T17:03:00.000+08:00

i truly understand you.
i've been 17.
and i know how it is like.
it hurts me to see you so sanfu.
so, i'll just close one eye.
you're my funny bunny.
and i want you to be happy.

im at australia.
i cant do anything.
im helpless in many ways.
all i can do is agree to whatever you want.
that is how much i love you.
im too loyal for my own good.
im too stubborn for my own good.
but i love you so.

i may seem stupid to others.
i may seem to be too 'wai dai' to others.
i should be selfish.
i should stop you.
i should control you.
but i cant make myself to do it.

other people may tell me that...
there will be someone who will only love me.
there will be someone who only wants me.
there will be someone who will only wait for me.
there will be someone who is more worthy of my devotion.
i will listen to you guys, making my own crazy unbalanced judgements..
but seriously, i dont care.
hahahhax...

i may not be able to accept whatever you may be doing with her now,
but given time, i will.

given this 2+ months.
i will be able to accept it.
no matter what happens,
no matter what decision you make,
i'll accept it.

i refuse to take us as 'yau yuen mou fan'..
i simply refuse.

my heart aches for you.
my heart aches because of you.
but i know your heart aches more because of me.
you cant handle it as smoothly as i could.
you're my everything.
you're my everything.

when december comes,
i'll prove that im worth the wait.

i owe you 2 ear piercings.
i owe you a session of 'zi dui'.
i owe you 6 months of pictures.
i owe you 6 months of kisses.
i owe you 6 months of hugs.
i owe you 6 months of cuddles.
i owe you 6 months of my cooked food.
i owe you 6 months of pak tor-ing.
i owe you 6 months of my everything.
i owe you a honda. =.="

so far, you're my biggest debtor.

hahax...

people grow through experiences.
i can only hope that i will emerge triumphant.

you're my everything.

2007-09-19T18:43:00.000+08:00

Lifehouse - Everything

Find me here
Speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where i find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

And how can i stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

And how can i stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

And how can i stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all i want,
You're all i need
You're everything, everything

You're all i want
You're all i need
You're everything, everything.

You're all i want
You're all i need
You're everything, everything

You're all i want
You're all i need,
you're everything, everything.

And How can i stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can i stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can i stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

i can dream all day about you,
i can sing all the songs that you want to hear,
i can write poems all about you,
but distance kept me away,
i cant stop my heart from hurting,
to know someone else is holding your hand,
to visualise someone else touching you,
to visualise someone else hugging you,
to visualise someone else kissing you,
all i can do is sit here and love you.
because i cant let go...
you're my everything... am i your everything?

faded away to a mere distance where there's only you and me.
somehow i know we'll never be the same.

be with me.

2007-09-15T13:02:00.000+08:00

This wait for destiny won't do,
Be with me, please, i beseech you,
Simple things that makes you run away,
Catch you if i can...

different thinking vs different perspective.
but one thing for sure, age doesnt matter.

hahahax...

im sitting here now, wondering...
where are we standing at now...
i know this place that im standing now doesnt feel good at all...
i want to go back...
go back to the time before timeout...
back to the time where i dont need to think if i should call you or not...
back to the time where i dont feel like im taking up your time...
back to the time where we talked, chat, laughed; disregarding the time...

i had a great dream just now..
i dreamt that we were watching tv on a sofa..
you were close to me and it felt so wonderful...
and then you crawled onto my lap and fell asleep on my shoulders with my arms around you.... that moment felt like heaven... with you in my arms..

brain vs heart

i guess my heart lets me be myself more than my brain lets me...
my brain keep me wondering, keeps me thinking too much...
my heart tells me that i can do absolutely anything at all...
anything that i felt right...
anything that makes me feel good...
anything that may make you feel good too...

someone told me: "dont bother finding out the cause of the problem, just work your way into solving it..."

everything else is not that important to me...
the most important thing is that i love you...
and i would try my best to solve or at least help to solve whatever that's on your mind... because i believe it's essential for us to communicate... i want our relationship to work... i know distance doesnt really matter...
maybe im not consistent enough in showing you that i love you...
not consistent enough in showing you that i miss you so much...
not consistent enough in showing you that i care...

the person i care the most is you... only you...

please dont walk alone...
let me walk with you...

i dont care about timeout..
if it's written down, i would erase it...
or tear it to pieces and then burn it...

i cant stop caring
i cant stop loving
i cant stop thinking
i cant stop missing

you.

in fact, it's deeper than before...
although my brain is telling me alot of things, making me think of alot of things..
my heart keeps me glued to you, falling deeper and deeper...

i cant tell the future,
i dont know what will happen in the future..
i might die tomorrow
or not.

we just started and we're young..
we still have a long way to go...
if fate lets me, i want to walk with you all the way...
if it doesnt, i believe fate is in our hands... it's in my own hands...

and im gonna make it work.

battle not won nor lost.

2007-09-13T10:37:00.000+08:00

my battle with time and distance is not won nor lost.
dont know whether i should be happy or sad.

i should be happy because you said you like her but you love me.
i should be sad because we're still in timeout.
i should be happy because if i chase you back, you'll definitely be with me again.
i should be sad because in Dec, i am no more than a friend whom you love.
i should be happy because in Dec, i'll be able to see you and be beside you.
i should be sad because there's a possibility between you and her.
i should be happy because you're mine, somehow.
i should be sad because i lost to time and distance.
i should be happy because i won your heart.

how do i describe how i feel. what do i say more. why do i keep going on.

the only answer is that i love you.
i knew i love you when i became possessive.
but i controlled myself.
because you have your friends. you have your life.
you have your own way and you're growing.
i can only let you to decide for yourself.

and i cant hear myself calling you jiali.
i got used to calling you baby.

ai yong gan de qu zhui, jiu bu hui hou hui.
zhi yao wo bu hou tui. zhen ai hui bian de gen mei.
wo bu hui ku. ji xu wei xiao.
jue ding shuo zai jian. guo chu bu shi yong yuan.
ming tian xing lai qi dai wo yao de ai.
wo yao de, shi ni de ai.

so many things that i cant control.
but i can control myself.
sometimes.
haha.

i will look foward to the day when we'll be together again.
maybe after many other breakups.
maybe after many other lonely nights.
maybe after many other dissapointments.
maybe after many other memories.

and at the meantime, i have my friends. my laptop. my music. and myself.
submerge myself into my assignments, my days at work (hopefully the bartender one wont be too exhausting)...

save money. save money. save money.

all i can think of right now is money.
maybe because i would want to pay the fees for myself next semester.
if not, pay for my own expenses, rent and bills.
money is not everything. books are more important.

i know.

but money makes everything work.
money buys the food. money pays the bills. money pays the rent. money allows me to go on a shopping spree. money lets me play. money lets me roam. money lets me meet more people. moneys helps me save for future expenses/needs.

money gets me back to your side.

sigh.

the older we get. the more things to worry and think about.
and the longer we spend time thinking about it, the more scary life becomes.
the future seemed so uncertain. people change all the time.
and the world changes with them.

i can only hope that i will change for the better. not for the worse.

i am reicheru.

2007-09-10T14:18:00.000+08:00

sometimes, i say things without thinking first.
i meant no hurt. and yet, ive hurt you so many times.
ive said things without first considering how you feel.

Question: who am i to kid?
Answer: myself.

looking down at my last post. ive posted it with frustration, without hope, lost in my own grey skies....

but that's only a part of me...

i wont give up so easily on us.

because i believe if we dont try, we'll never know.

right now, it's only my imagination that's doing the work.

you said that you wont be around in december.
it doesnt matter, i can wait. i'll be at home, waiting for your call.
waiting for you to come back from wherever you're going.
there may not be enough time for us to spend together but i'll cherish the every second of it. and make the best of every quarter second of it.
i'll always be waiting for you.

you may feel that i am not caring enough.
that im not sensitive enough to provide you with the utmost attention.

but you must know that,
everytime you say timeout.
everytime you say breakup.
i felt like a piece of shit.
a hopeless good for nothing piece of shit.

but,

i managed to will myself to hold on everytime. to go on. to hang on.
and this time will be no different than the rest.
no matter how many times you want to say breakup to me, i will continue to work hard and hang in there.

because you're too precious for me to just let slip away.

i will do everything i can to make this relationship happen. there's so many things that we havent do. so many things that we havent try together.

i havent hold your hand long enough.
i havent said enough 'i love you' to you.
i havent become your personal driver yet.
i havent kiss you enough.
i havent give you enough.
we havent go on trips yet.
we havent take lots of pictures.
we havent make loads of happy memories.
we havent ride on the Eye On Malaysia.
we havent walk hand in hand on the beach.
we havent stare at the bright lights of KL, just the 2 of us.
we havent done so so so many things...

we havent. we havent. i havent. you havent.

so, i cannot dissapear. cuz there will be no light if i lose you too...

i finally realise that it's not the distance. it's me.
im the one who keeps repeating mistakes.
im the one who keeps making you cry.
im the one who is afraid of many things.
im the one who felt inferior compared to others.

i will brave it thru.

i just hope you can understand and hang on with me.

and...

it's official... Tzen, you're my qing di..
i used to feel threathened by your presence in Jiali's life...
but now, you are my utmost love enemy...

and i will not let myself lose to you...
because you walked away from her...
and i CAN DO BETTER THAN YOU...

i may be in Australia, but i will do my best.

Baby jiali... the decision is in your hands...

but i wont let go without giving a hard fight 1st...

REICHERU GANBATTE NEH!!!!

watashi baka desu..

2007-09-09T20:25:00.000+08:00

ive done it.

ive fucking done it.

ive fucking ruin my already messed up life.

who was i to kid? i cant even handle myself and i thought i could bring happiness to jiali.... instead, all i brought to her was tears...

tears....

alot of tears....

and unhappiness...

and distance...

and longing...

and the ache of waiting...

im an idiot who always say the wrong words at the wrong time and does all the wrong things....

ARGHHH!!!!!!!

i cant stand myself.

how can i be so stupid? how can i be so fucking stupid???

baby, i know i have hurt you deeply...

the things ive said... the things ive done... makes me wonder if i have the right to ask you to hold on with me...

when i said i shouldnt have chased meant i should make you happy... not cry... that's the duty for every gf to make their gf happy....

but yeah, i make you cry so much... i wonder if im right for you...

im glad that im someone special to you... gave you a special feeling...

but you... you meant everything to me... you made my life brighter... makes me smile... makes me happy... you're my angel...

and yet... all i brought to you was sadness...

a mistake that cant be undone...

a mistake that i will regret for the rest of my life...

i dont think your ex is right because i CAN do better to her... i know i can...

maybe, like you said.... it'll be better for us after my studies...

i just want you to understand my love for you...

im sorry for being such an insensitive idiot...

i wonder if i dissapear, will i be able to take the pain together with me?

if i dissapear, will you search for me?

if i dissapear, my family dont need to waste any more $$ on me...

if i dissapear, i wont make you cry anymore...

if i dissapear, you still have your ex...

at this point of time, im hopeless. im lost.

all i wanna do is dissapear.... and everything will end.

so, goodbye and goodnight..

when my everything ends, including my breath;

that will be my official breakup with you.

hua li de mao xian -> an elegant risk

2007-09-08T16:36:00.000+08:00

chang chang de lv de jing tou
shi yi pian man shen xing xing de ye kong
zhe yi tang hua li de mao xian
mei you zhen shi de ni pei wo zhou

chang chang de shi jian de lv cheng
chong man tai duo wei zhi de you huo
shu bu qing dui ni cheng nuo guo de yi qie
hai you duo shao mei you shi xian guo

bu yuan fang kai shou
bu yuan rang ni zhou
fong kuang de mong mei you le ni
hai you shen me yong

bu yuan fang kai shou
bu yuan rang ni zhou
bu yuan yan zhen zhen de kan ni
zhou chu wo de shen huo

my horoscope...born a cusp, funny little things...

2007-09-07T03:33:00.000+08:00

Cusp -> Scorpio/Sagittarius (November 22)

Scorpio is the sign of sex and death, the beginning and ending, and they explore these ideas from an emotional standpoint. Sagittarius uses knowledge to understand the world. Sagittarius is the sign of philosophy and religion, and people born under this sign are the scholars and learners of the Zodiac.

Those born on the Scorpio/Sagittarius cusp seek the truth and the meaning of life, and they love to explore through knowledge. They are investigative and probing, often strongly intuitive and penetrating. Scorpio/Sagittarius are very determined, and once they've made up their minds, they are unlikely to change them.

Expressing the fixed quality of Scorpio, they tend to be stubborn, refusing to give up when others have long since become bored and abandoned a project, and they get things done when no one else thought it possible.

Even though Scorpio/Sagittarius are likely to remain true to their opinions and judgments once they have settled on them, they are not necessarily fixed or opinionated. They have no set plan or bias but seek to learn new ideas as they come. In this way, the mutable quality of Sagittarius is exemplified. They desire the freedom to do what they want when they want, and they tend to be impulsive and independent.

Scorpio/Sagittarius people tend to be concerned with deeper and focused learning. They are versatile and progressive, but at times they can be impatient and pushy if something isn't getting done the way they want. Those who wish to change a Scorpio/Sagittarius mind often have trouble because they can never be sure what their motivation is; they are too complex and sometimes too secretive to be understood easily.

Scorpio is ruled by the planets Mars and Pluto. In ancient Roman mythology, Mars (and his Greek equivalent, Ares) was the god of war, and ancient astrologers assigned both Aries and Scorpio to this Planet. Pluto (and his Greek equivalent, Hades) was the god of the underworld, and when the planet Pluto was discovered early in the 20th century, astrologers assigned Scorpio to it. Scorpio's modern ruler, Pluto, represents death and endings; it's the sign of rebirth and regeneration.

Sagittarius is ruled by the planet Jupiter. In ancient Roman mythology, Jupiter (and his Greek equivalent, Zeus) was the king of the gods. Jupiter represents expansion in all its forms, including the mental outreach so prominent in Sagittarians, but it also may invite excess. It is the planet of luck, and many people born under Sagittarius do experience good luck.

Scorpio/Sagittarians are interested in thought and outreach. They are intensely powerful, good-humored and generous. The element associated with Scorpio is Water. The element associated with Sagittarius is Fire.

Scorpio/Sagittarians tend to respond to the world through emotion and action, rather than practicality. They are eager and inspirational; they are about action and getting things started, but they can also seem irresponsible or tactless if they jump in too quickly. They want to experience life, rather than read about it, and they are outgoing and friendly.

Scorpio/Sagittarians are motivated and loyal, but they are often misunderstood, and others may see them as dictatorial or sarcastic. They are broad-minded and enthusiastic, but they may sometimes seem to have foot-in-mouth disease, as they may talk too much or speak before thinking.

Scorpio/Sagittarians are both mystical and scientific, a combination that makes them very aware of what is happening around them; they are a sign of great depth. Many enjoy travel and spiritual study and have daring and adventurous spirits. Scorpio/Sagittarians aspire to be the phoenix or eagle, rising above the ordinary world and into something extraordinary.

Their suspicion and jealousy can pull them down, but their passion and awareness can help them rise above this. They also love to have a good time and are outgoing and friendly. Many are natural comedians, sometimes exaggerating their adventures to entertain others. Their innate self-confidence may make them argumentative or blunt, but their intention is to learn, not to offend. They are high-spirited and enthusiastic, often flirtatious, and they tend to enjoy social life immensely.

In their leisure time, Scorpio/Sagittarians enjoy competition and challenge. They aren't satisfied with moving along at half speed or lowering their abilities to let those with lesser skills beat them. Personal challenge is always appreciated, and they tend to prefer solitary or one-on-one sports that stretch them to the limit, such as skydiving and big game fishing.

They tend to be lucky and may enjoy gambling. Their philosophical side makes them enjoy drama and debate, as well as most other mentally challenging pursuits.

In love relationships, Scorpio/Sagittarians are flirtatious, playful, caring and possessive. The great strength of the Scorpio/Sagittarius-born is in their determination to see things through to the end. They refuse to allow boredom to turn them away from projects, and they are committed to accomplishing what they set out to do.

Their philosophical and exploratory nature makes it important to live life to the fullest, experiencing everything they can. Their great love of knowledge and exploration makes them one of the most learned characters of the zodiac.

baby, this is for you..

2007-09-05T20:22:00.000+08:00

If i want you so badly, i've gotta let you go.

If you come back to me, then you are going to be mine forever.

If you don't come back, then you are not meant to be mine.

I won't hold something in my arms that i would never hold in my heart.

One day you will ask me what i love more...

you or my life, and when i will say MY LIFE,
you will walk away from me without knowing....

that YOU are MY LIFE...

Giving you all my love is never an assurance that you will love me back.

I do not expect love in return, but just wait for it to grow in your heart.
But if it does not, i am contented that it grew in mine..

It takes a minute for me to have a crush on you,

an hour to like you,

and a day to love you..

but it'll take me a lifetime to forget you.

It breaks my heart to see you being happy with someone else...

but it's more painful to know that you're more unhappy with me...

Never love a love that hurts, never hurt a love that loves...
Once i have loved, i will always love.

For what's in my mind may escape but what's in my heart will remain forever.

You came from no where, and got close...

not to me, but to my heart..

reii i4u babe j

time.fate.love.

2007-09-05T13:45:00.000+08:00

time passes by too slowly or we waited too long?

yau yuen mou fan?

i dont know the answers.

timeout.timeout.timeout.

what is timeout?

debbs said it meant time for couples to breakup for awhile and see if we will get back together again after some time....
it also meant that we can find other people...

i dont wana find other people.
i dont want other people.
i just want you.

only you.

emo monsta.

2007-09-04T23:16:00.000+08:00

she replied: Watever la.

why do i feel hurt?

because it was me who was being emo.
it was me who was down.
it was me who made her feel down.
it was me who was being 'siu hei'...

and why do i still feel hurt when she replied me that?

emotions surge within me.
angry. hurt. irritated. moody.
all of it, at myself.

i know she's just joking with me. teasing me.

i dont know what's wrong with me.
i feel so moody. so down.. and i cant help it..
i know she loves me... and i trusts her... but why do i still feel this way?
why am i still so 'siu hei'...

but there are times when i feel like im in heaven.
like the time when she told me that i gave her a special feeling.
a feeling that she never felt before.

that she's in love with me.

no words could describe my feelings when she told me that...
it was so wonderful that i felt so light and fell in love with her even more...

i hate being in australia. i hate being away from her.
i hate it when other butches is interested in her.
i hate it when guys are interested in her.

i dont like her calling other people dar dar, honey, darling, sweetheart;
whatever nicknames that lovers use to call each other.
i only want her to call me that...

im jealous~~~~ down myself with vinegar....

down~~~ down~~~ down~~~

PLU can have babies... PLU can have sex... PLU can get married... PLU can raise kids... PLU can do so many things... why is it only considered normal when it is a guy and a girl who does all that? why?? just because the bible says so? just because religion says so? just because guys have sperms?? just because only girls can get pregnant???

HUARRRGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

WTF. WTF. WTF. WTF. WTF.

i cant compete with a guy.
but i want to give you everything that you want...

everything that i can give...
i will give it to you...

i guess i gotta learn how to let go of little things.

baby, i love you so much.
3 more mths.
it'll passby soon enough.

you are my warmth on a freaking cold day.

2007-08-27T16:54:00.000+08:00

damage has been done.
time has passed and is never coming back.

all i can do is to make up for it.

i may be slow.
i may be stupid.
i may be dumb.
i may seem insensitive.

but i am trying to change.

yes, it takes time but im climbing my way up.
my brain is working and im awake.
there may be shortage of resources but i will search for more.

why do i love you so much?
i dont know.
feelings are hard to explain.
i like to hear you laugh.
i love to see the smile on your face.
i love it when you say whattt...
i love the feeling of you close to me...
i like to hold your hand...
i like i like i like it when you say i miss you...

i will melt~

=D

it's a freaking cold Monday...
yesterday was absolutely freezing!!!

=.=

i wish you are here with me...
i keep telling myself... 3 months will pass by soon enough...
but, i wanna hug you and tell you that it wont hurt so much after awhile...
it's hurting because it's healing... ^^
yes yes, i know...
i'm long winded... paiseh... i will try to be more young~~~

hahahahhx...

gotta suit you mah, rite?

=D

im actually quite blurr at my Design subject..
i mean, i have all the ideas running in my head but, i havent figured out on how and what to do with it.... (baby, come help meeeee~~~~~)
and i havent even get the study guide for it...
omg!! it's already the 4th week...
i must buck up!!!

aii?? ah shit.
screen text exam is next week.
wth~~

(T-T)

sianz arh~~

baby, imishu imishu imishu...
love you so so muchie~~!! ^^
i will ganbatte kudasai~!! haikk!!

hmmn, i gotta start saving up for a honda... XD

i cry.

2007-08-26T01:25:00.000+08:00

i cried like shit just now.

i don't usually cry.

cuz, crying = being weak

i dont like being weak. i want to stand up on my own. live my own life. im a separated being from my family. yes, i do know that they care for me. my grandma, my aunts... and i love them for that... but a family consist of a father, a mother and siblings... i dont have a family...

i have a brother, a mother and a father. and that's it. not family.

i cried because of you. but i know i have made you cried even more.

i regretted yesterday night. i didnt even have the mood yesterday night. but just because i have promised Harry that i'll bring him out, i had to go. i didn't want to leave you. not when you need me. but, i can't just dump Harry to my friends whom he doesn't even know. plus, his english is limited. i don't have much choice.

i know you felt like i have neglected you. felt like i have abandon you. felt unappreciated. felt like you're not important.

but ure not.

you're my everything... my everything...

im lost without you... i need you in my life... more than ever...

baby, i really don't want to breakup with you..

please give me a chance to show that i love you..
please give me a chance to show that i care...
please give me a chance to redeem myself...
please give me a chance to learn my lesson...

i made a mistake... a huge mistake...
and ive learnt my lesson...
i dont want to lose you...
i dont want to repeat this mistake again...
i was being stupid... i was being a fool... i was being an idiot...
please forgive me...

i want to be there for you always... and i will...

baby, i love you.

i hate motorbikes.

2007-08-24T21:09:00.000+08:00

i hate motorbikes!!!!!!

stupid machines!!!! argh!!!!!! wtf~~~~~

it's so torturing to know that you've met an accident and i can't be by your side to hug you and tell you that it's gonna be alright....

all i have is the phone and your cries of pain...

baby.... im so sorry for not being there for you... im so sorry.... so so sorry...

my heart bleed with you... eventhough im not in pain, i felt the pain... i felt so helpless hearing your cries over the phone... i wish i could rush to your side as fast as possible...

but i couldn't... i couldn't...

and i hate that f***ing fact.

25th august 2007 12.56am
"i think we need time out.. i wanna break up with u."

time stopped.
my heart stopped.
my brain went blank.
i went blank.

"are you sure?"
"yea"
"once you said this, there's no turning back"
"en"
"fine."

for the first time of this year, i was the one who ended the call.

speechless. hopeless. blankness. greyness.

i sent you:

=== im in aus. ure in msia. if u wana take a break, i'll respect ur decision. but i wun give up on us. i stil wan to b wid u more than ever... ===

on the way home from Metros, i felt like puking. i didn't even drink a single tiny drop of alcohol at all. except for mineral water and cranberry juice but i felt like puking. i wana puke everything out. every single thing.

but in the end, i didn't.

then, on the way home... the roads looked grey. the trees looked grey. the houses looked grey. the lampost looked grey. everything was grey. my everything was grey.

Harry thought i was tired. he asked me to sleep. he said he'll wake me up when we reach home. i can only manage a slight nod. but i cant sleep. my brain was filled with images of you.

4.05am.
i reached home.
went to take a shower.
thought about cancer. thought about accidents. thought about bathtub filled with water. thought about blood. thought about you.

after the shower, i sat infront of the laptop, without realising that you asked me to call you at 3.10am. i called you at 4.20am. you were sleeping already.

you said you missed me.
i wanted to cry.

i miss you too baby. i miss you damn alot. so goddamn alot.

Chen Jia Li

2007-08-24T15:47:00.000+08:00

I don't know why i love you so much, i just do.

you gave me a reason to hold on...

you gave me a reason to stay...

you gave me a reason to stand up...

you're young and i'm much older but somehow we are still able to find the line of communication. although i may seem like i don't understand you well yet but, i'm learning. like you said, there is no one who hurts more in a relationship. we're equals because we love each other.

i'm sorry for being such a 'bei dong' lover. there's many things that i've yet to learn to do, yet to learn how to express myself. given time, i will improve... =)

i'm afraid of losing you... like how you're afraid of me leaving you... we're both afraid of losing each other... which is why i am more determine than ever to make things better for us... i dont want you out of my sight anymore... i want to stay close to you...

right now,
i wana learn how to cook because i wana cook for you...
right now,
i wana learn how to play the piano because i wana play for and with you...
right now,
i wana learn how to concentrate in my studies because i cant bear to be away from you anymore...
right now,
i wana learn how to be more responsible because i wana give you the sense of security...

i don't know what i'll do if i lose you...
i might give up...
i may move on...
i might sit and wait...
or i'll be forever searching...
but
i know i'll always be in love with you...
i dont want to lose you, ever...

ai wo bie zou. yi zhi shou hou zai wo shen bian. hao ma?

>>> 王子 REII 爱公主 JIALI <<<