what do i say?

i have apologized. i am sorry.
for the hurt that i have caused.
i made a mental note to just keep to myself from now onwards.
what that is not mine to be said will remain to be unsaid.

but nobody can see me now.
not when anger blinds them.

i will wait.
i understand it's all about trust.
but if you cannot forgive me for this,
then let it be. i will leave you to it.

i'm not giving up but my friendship is definitely worth more than this.

i'm the white box in the middle night.
it can light up your way, it can accompany you in your journey,
but right now, it sticks out - like a sore thumb to the night.

i'll go switch off now.
goodbye.

i made a mistake so grave.

how do i mend a broken trust?

it was silly to think that i stand a chance against 8 years of friendship. i was the petty one. and the worse keeper ever because i was the one who suggested what to do and forgot totally about it. oh my god. i'm so ashamed at myself. i'm so childish. how can i mutter out such ignorance? i bet it'd never crossed your mind, not even a tiny hint of it. how did it get into mine tho? jeez. i was too proud. why would anyone put me ahead of you. you're a better friend than i am. well, at least you kept your lip pressed shut ever so tightly. unlike mine.

oh god. i still cannot believe that i was so ignorant. who am i really. to have such confidence. i believe LL never took a second look at me. and you wouldn't have said anything if i didn't look so interested. oh dear. the miscommunication was so deep. i was in my own world the whole time. and got really lost in it. and i felt like i have betrayed LC big time. friends don't tell on each other. oh my god. what have i done.

i felt your anger. and i'm so sorry. so so sorry.

i will be true to myself and to others. that is if i can get past myself. i cannot punish myself enough for this. what i have done is so wrong. i need to be a better friend. and work hard to regain your trust again. it's a long journey but i will get there. i hope.

E assured me that i still have the rest of the girls. yeah, i know. but it'd be awkward from now on. because i cannot face S. sigh. what do i do now? i can only sit and wait for forgiveness. and commit myself fully to my work so that i don't backfire and go against myself.

Melb. 090909. LL.

i did not see the disaster that came with it.

complications of my mind.

1423220420, originally uploaded by rachel.flubbz.

i wanna run away.
away from you. away from me. away from people. away from life.

i was the one who declined your offer and yet i'm upset.
can't you just step up and say you'll take me?
i would rather not be given a choice.
i only took it because i felt bad for taking up your time when you don't have enough already.
i felt bad making you take extra trips which also meant more money spent on petrol when you're already pretty broke.
i felt like i'm a burden to you.

i don't know. i'm just really upset. really really upset.
you affect me a lot. so much that it's so annoying.

but everything is happening in my own head.
my mind is waging a war with my emotions.

i don't want to be alone.
please don't leave me here by myself.
i can't take it anymore.
i feel so lonely that i'm going rather mad.
i tried focusing totally on my work but i can't.
i need people. i need the girls. most of all, i need you.

i hate being needy. i hate this feeling.
but i can't deny it.

i can't handle this. no i can't.

all that i need is this moment.

dream, originally uploaded by rachel.flubbz.

i walked across the field yesterday.
it was sunny. it was windy.
and i smiled to myself.
i feel so free, so relaxed, so happy.
under the sun, with the wind caressing my face.

i like windy sunny days. i like thunderstorms.
i hate rainy days when i need to go to uni.
haven't quite figure out how to go to uni without a car or without getting really soaked. the bus is just too slow.

blue sky, several layers of white fluffy clouds, cool breeze..
now, that's what i call an ideal day.
and if you appear in the picture,
that is what i call the perfect day. =)

mechanical.

androidish, originally uploaded by rachel.flubbz.

sometimes i wish i'm an android.
i can do the same thing everyday without feeling bored or tired.
day or night doesn't matter to me.
nor does sun and rain.

sickness does not apply to me.
although there is a risk of malfunctioning due to shortcircuits.

sigh. and then i realize i'm only human.
always want something better or can't have.