my vice.

my vice: envy and jealousy.
so true.

haha. it's strange that i feel this way.
i have already establish the fast that i am no hottie and yet i feel completely useless. so distasteful. such a desperate idiot.

the more i yearn, the more tormented i become. i think i might have killed something deep within me.

i am no longer the old rachel. the bubbly one. the fun and crazy one. the easy to get along. the comfortable with self.

i am in conflict with myself. it's so sad. to launch a war with yourself is the saddest thing to date. it eats up your soul and mind. now, you are nothing but a hollow shell filled with emptiness.

keep running. keep falling. and then fade away.
everyday i hope to die. i am not suicidal but i am hopeless.
i feel like i have to do something more to be able to feel. to feel more than the pain in my soul. and i keep searching for that something more.

and finally, i was able to cry. but it was not enough.
the tears rolling down my cheek did not justify the hatred i felt for myself.
i could no longer see the different side. my vision is blurred. my world starts to crack. i am no longer carefree. the clouds got blown away. the light blue sky became gray. the sea became violent and angry. only the bitter taste remain.

i do not need you. friends can only give out so much. i will be alright on my own. i cry alone. you have all the good intentions in mind but none that will satisfy me.

it is true that when you laugh, the world laughs with you.
and when you cry, you cry alone.

i'm alone.