i hate motorbikes.

i hate motorbikes!!!!!!

stupid machines!!!! argh!!!!!! wtf~~~~~

it's so torturing to know that you've met an accident and i can't be by your side to hug you and tell you that it's gonna be alright....

all i have is the phone and your cries of pain...

baby.... im so sorry for not being there for you... im so sorry.... so so sorry...

my heart bleed with you... eventhough im not in pain, i felt the pain... i felt so helpless hearing your cries over the phone... i wish i could rush to your side as fast as possible...

but i couldn't... i couldn't...

and i hate that f***ing fact.


25th august 2007 12.56am
"i think we need time out.. i wanna break up with u."

time stopped.
my heart stopped.
my brain went blank.
i went blank.

"are you sure?"
"yea"
"once you said this, there's no turning back"
"en"
"fine."

for the first time of this year, i was the one who ended the call.

speechless. hopeless. blankness. greyness.

i sent you:

=== im in aus. ure in msia. if u wana take a break, i'll respect ur decision. but i wun give up on us. i stil wan to b wid u more than ever... ===

on the way home from Metros, i felt like puking. i didn't even drink a single tiny drop of alcohol at all. except for mineral water and cranberry juice but i felt like puking. i wana puke everything out. every single thing.

but in the end, i didn't.

then, on the way home... the roads looked grey. the trees looked grey. the houses looked grey. the lampost looked grey. everything was grey. my everything was grey.

Harry thought i was tired. he asked me to sleep. he said he'll wake me up when we reach home. i can only manage a slight nod. but i cant sleep. my brain was filled with images of you.

4.05am.
i reached home.
went to take a shower.
thought about cancer. thought about accidents. thought about bathtub filled with water. thought about blood. thought about you.

after the shower, i sat infront of the laptop, without realising that you asked me to call you at 3.10am. i called you at 4.20am. you were sleeping already.

you said you missed me.
i wanted to cry.

i miss you too baby. i miss you damn alot. so goddamn alot.