battle not won nor lost.

my battle with time and distance is not won nor lost.
dont know whether i should be happy or sad.

i should be happy because you said you like her but you love me.
i should be sad because we're still in timeout.
i should be happy because if i chase you back, you'll definitely be with me again.
i should be sad because in Dec, i am no more than a friend whom you love.
i should be happy because in Dec, i'll be able to see you and be beside you.
i should be sad because there's a possibility between you and her.
i should be happy because you're mine, somehow.
i should be sad because i lost to time and distance.
i should be happy because i won your heart.

how do i describe how i feel. what do i say more. why do i keep going on.

the only answer is that i love you.
i knew i love you when i became possessive.
but i controlled myself.
because you have your friends. you have your life.
you have your own way and you're growing.
i can only let you to decide for yourself.

and i cant hear myself calling you jiali.
i got used to calling you baby.

ai yong gan de qu zhui, jiu bu hui hou hui.
zhi yao wo bu hou tui. zhen ai hui bian de gen mei.
wo bu hui ku. ji xu wei xiao.
jue ding shuo zai jian. guo chu bu shi yong yuan.
ming tian xing lai qi dai wo yao de ai.
wo yao de, shi ni de ai.

so many things that i cant control.
but i can control myself.
sometimes.
haha.

i will look foward to the day when we'll be together again.
maybe after many other breakups.
maybe after many other lonely nights.
maybe after many other dissapointments.
maybe after many other memories.

and at the meantime, i have my friends. my laptop. my music. and myself.
submerge myself into my assignments, my days at work (hopefully the bartender one wont be too exhausting)...

save money. save money. save money.

all i can think of right now is money.
maybe because i would want to pay the fees for myself next semester.
if not, pay for my own expenses, rent and bills.
money is not everything. books are more important.

i know.

but money makes everything work.
money buys the food. money pays the bills. money pays the rent. money allows me to go on a shopping spree. money lets me play. money lets me roam. money lets me meet more people. moneys helps me save for future expenses/needs.

money gets me back to your side.

sigh.

the older we get. the more things to worry and think about.
and the longer we spend time thinking about it, the more scary life becomes.
the future seemed so uncertain. people change all the time.
and the world changes with them.

i can only hope that i will change for the better. not for the worse.