1st. 2nd. 3rd. 4th. 5th. and blogspot went down.

[5/8/08 : 12.00am]

it's funny how i believe that i've fallen for you and then after awhile, i think again.
i can probably say that i'm in no position to fall in love. or rather, unstable.
and how sure am i that this is love? not something disguised as love.
the loneliness, the need, the human touch, the company: which i've lacked in this few months. i've been single for a few months but you were always surrounded by people. so i guess that's the difference. oh my fucking god. why does it hurt so much. seems like a soft rejection. i guess it really is when you told me not to wait for you. but i know myself well. i will wait. and crave even more. this is bad. ahhh. get me out of this deep hole. i never thought that i'll fall for you. but i'm falling fast and hard. what the hell. talk to me. guide me. what do i do with you? you're driving me crazy and i still miss you so. you, the practical one. you, the hot one. you, the sweet smilling one. you, the fucking awesome one.you're flooding my head! gah! i'm so frustrated at myself. and at god. why does all this shit has to happen. i just wanted it plain and simple. and all this has to come. WHY ON EARTH DID YOU FUCKING MAKE ME FALL FOR MY BEST FRIEND?! YOU UP THERE ARE FUCKING RUINING MY LIFE!! YOU'RE FUCKING SCREWING WITH ME AREN'T YOU?! fuck. i hate myself. and its getting into my head. im not smart or determined enough. but i can love you more than enough. i guess i have no choice but to let you slip away. this is my only way to keep our friendship. the only way to keep you by my side. and keep me sane. i wish there's something which can take all this away. a bottle of poison like in Romeo & Juliet. that'll do. perhaps i should submerge myself in work. make myself exhausted. then i wouldnt be thinking of you because i'll be too tired to do so. my heart aches. im not silly. i just fell for you. sometimes i wish im more capable. that im smart, intelligent, rich and determined. then i wouldnt be in this spot. i would have graduated. i would have been working already. and i wouldnt have fallen for you. but this is it. a fucking joke. god, are you happy now? go on screwing with me. till one day i'll come up and throw books at you. see how you'll like that.

first you said you would. then you said you couldnt.
after you've lifted me high up, you let me fall crashing below.
say what you want but i'll never be sober.
addicted to you like Dunhill Menthol cigarettes.
take a good look at me and feel me now. before you fall for that somebody.
because i will probably hate that somebody. if it's not me.
maybe i should prove myself. then you will see.how different i can be.
do i chase or let you slip away? its now or never. and i cant decide.

[5/8/08: 4.37am]
omfg.
this is insane. i cant sleep. and i keep thinking of you.
what the hell. you dont want me.
the answer is right infront of me!
you're afraid to have me. hiding behind our friendship.
and here i am. crushing silently behind it.
i know its not your fault. its mine to bear.
why does it has to come to this. and all this frustrations in me.
i just want you so much, together with everything.
how do i revert my mind?
when all i wanna do is to be close to you and hold your hand.

you broke up with D because of me.
and because of me, you're in this confusion.
and also because of me, you're afraid.
you're so awesome that im losing my sleep.
but thats okay.
i dont have a packed timetable like yours.

i dont know why am i acting this way. an emotional piece of shit.
im so stubborn and idiotic. and looking quite desperate. haha.
im aching here. even though i know you wont step up to me.
wake up already.
miss practicality doesnt see the future with you.
she doesnt see long term in you.
you're just a feeling. and a fucking awesome friend.
you're both the love i crave so much but not the type.
i hate the way my mind works. which it doesnt academically.
just so you know, i did try to let go. but after all that,
i've fallen even deeper.
i was slowly accepting the existance of D in your life.
but now, im struggling at the sight of her. and at her smses.
i feel like she's getting ahead of me. better than me.
less dramatic. working harder to get you back. and im sitting here looking stupid.
you know, she has a status. she's your ex. she can be close to you. because she 'know' you.
wipe your nose. hold your hand. glare at the people who is trying to hit on you.
what am i? a jealous, sensitive best friend. haha.
bloody hell. its the middle of the night and im so fucking emotional.
i know you hate seeing me like that.
but im somewhat like you so you would know the frustrations in me.
im tired but i cant rest. so many things are happening.
i probably should say that i've brought it all upon myself.
which now resulted in self-hatred.
but not enough to kill myself just yet.

cuz i just cant look, it's killing me. and taking control.
cuz im mr. brightside.

i shouldnt love you but i want to. i just cant turn away.
i shouldnt see you but i cant move. i cant look away.
and i dont know how to be fine when im not.
cuz i dont know how to make a feeling stop.
just so you know, this feeling is taking control of me and i cant help it.
i wont sit around, i cant let him[her] win now.
thought you should know, i've tried my best to let go of you.
but i dont want to. i just gotta say it before i go. just so you know.
its getting hard to be around you, there's so much i cant say.
do you want me to hide the feelings. and look the other way.
this emptiness is killing me, im wondering why i've waited for so long.
looking back i realised it was always there.
just never spoke of. i'm waiting here. been waiting here.

is it too late to realise? i dont know because you havent really.
if you did, you wouldnt let any chance pass you by. but that's what you're doing.
you're hiding behind our friendship.
im torn between my rationality and my heart.
okay then. what do i want you to do?
i want you to be with me!!
but what happens after that?
what if the appeal doesnt go through?
what if i have to leave you side.
even now, we find it difficult when we dont see each other for days.
what happens if we proceed and get involved?
wouldnt it be harder to part?
rachel, open up your eyes already.
cant you see that you'll be one hurting her in the end?
how can you be so selfish. so full of yourself.
how can you bear to see tears trickle down her rosy cheeks?
i can handle pain. been doing that for years.
then why cant i do the same for you. and endure.
why do i crave for you so much till i feel like im breaking apart?
i actually held your jacket close in the cinema and imagined you sitting near me.
your perfume in the jacket calmed me down.
the presence of your jacket makes me feel connected to you, somehow.
i dont know why i keep forgetting my sunglasses.
it's either i dont want it anymore or just the thought of my stuff in you car will remind you of my presence. LOL.

i'll regret this. but i said that i would try. and i promised that i would try my best.
it's hard. trust me because i love you so.
alot of things are easier said than done.


[6/5/08: 2pm]
i feel much better today after thrashing it all out. now, my mind is blank.
but i still become breathless everytime i see your face. i just get sucked into your beautiful eyes.
its so peaceful and warm today. i wish i could spend the entire day sunbathing with you.
but i know its best not to do anything now.
as much as you dont want to hurt me, i dont wana end up hurting you either.
perhaps this is our fate. [you up there! you win ok! dammit.]
we're so near and yet so far. i would love to follow my heart's whispers but i know things will work their way out.
i can only be patient. perhaps D really is a better option.
i know i can do better but D is a good girlfriend.
and a good person. someone who will fiercely protect you and less jealous. haha.
i mean, she's organised, smart, has a brighter future, able to spend more, has a car, shares the same taste of music
with you, currently a bubble of fun, protective of you and will be here for a long time to come.
i've listed your practical side. havent it?
haha. im nothing like the ones listed above.
all i have is a flicker of hope.

i'm half decided to change uni. if it doesnt work out. although i havent get any reply.
i have to have a backup plan. being in a different suburbs is definitely better than being in different countries.
i dont know. at this point of time, i truly felt that im lost.
and the world is dark and silent.

[7/8/08: 11am]
i went for Jason Mraz!!!!! so excited sia..
he's so bloody random. made up stuff on the spot!
he sang alot of songs that i've never heard of though.
ok, proved that im not a big Jason Mraz fan. ahahahax.
then there was a part about best friends. i thought he was going to sing lucky!
but he didnt...
anyways, he shouted "is there anyone in the crowd who came with their best friend?"
"and is secretly madly in love with them?!"
everyone cheered.
i just smiled to myself.
i dont know why but i feel a little distant from you now.
i've never noticed you crossing your arms around me.
but now, you cross them all the time. perhaps it's your own little way of self control. =)
and im keeping to myself too.
so, i crossed my arms the whole nite! hoho.
and ended up with a backache. lol.
single but not available. i guess i have to go back to that routine.
for starters, i have to stop looking foward to your messages.
so far so good.

if i could have things my way, i would have grabbed you near and kissed you already.
but it doesnt work that way.

at the moment, i'll just crawl back into my corner and stone.
and get things going at uni.
i feel like sitting here and wait for death.
but i know that's not the way.
i stand alone now. like always. and that is how it should be.
love hurts. i dislike it. and yet i keep stumbling into it.
at the wrong places. and at the wrong time.
perhaps i should keep it locked up somewhere else when im around you.
then i wont feel the pain.
then there's only pure love of friendship.
then there's no more yearning for your touch.

[8/8/08: 1.35am]
here i am again. standing at the edge of my seat. unable to face everyone else.
appeal denied. haha. for a moment there i couldnt understand the words.
i had to have hsin read it and explain the email to me.
and then i hugged her and cried.
this is the 2nd chance. i cannot let it slip again.
if i do, then im an idiot and i dont deserve anything more.
but tonight i realise that God was fair to me.
He make me go through shit but He also gave me the truest of friends.
no matter how much i hate You now, i thank You for giving me hsin, esh and debbs.
their presence makes me feel like im the luckiest person in the world.
and i believe that i am truly lucky.
now, i must learn how to appreciate.
which im still wondering how to start.