alas, online again.

[all about you.] 18/9/08

this is all about you.
i guess it really is easier said than done.
i'd always tell people to go for the one they want.
and i'll do the same.
but now i cant.
because you dont want me to.

i cant take you and D in.
i can take both of you separately.
but i cant stand the affection you give to her.
i can stand von because it was always her whom was all over you.
and now, it's you who is all over D.
im sorry. i just cant take it.
maybe because deep inside,
i wished i was the one whom you were affectionate to.
i dont mind von being affectionate to you.
but i just cant bear you being affectionate towards D.
it kills me inside.
do you understand the pain?

when you see von being affectionate to vron, how do you feel?
and that's what im feeling inside.

when you do show it in front of me,
i cant wait to escape.
i cant wait to run away to the other end of the world.
so that i dont see both of you together, right in front of my face.
i know i shouldnt run away but it hurts me so.
and i dont want to feel like im a pile of shit.
an absolute nonsense.

i always put myself down.
wondering who am i.
am i not good enough.
am i not sufficient enough.
turns out that it's not me.
it's you.

it's you who dont want me this way.
it's you who wants me this way.

i want to heal.
but i dont know how to...
when i bleed at every affection and attention you give to D.

i want to be happy.
i really want to.



[realise] 20/9/08

the day before yesterday i crumbled and nearly died.
but today, i took a step foward.
i've finally had the courage to ignore my heart and listened to my head.
yes, i do need you. but i know you're happier with D.
i realized that it is not hard to try.
and all it ever took was just a step.
the courage to take that step.

my heart is still homeless and all of this will make a good drama script.
and you still takes away my breath pretty much
but your hands are not mind to hold
and your heart is not mine to keep.

i have truly accepted D.
but i still crave so much for you.
and i longed for your attention.
i finally see what position im in now.
i kinda figured that it'll be quite tiring to hate the different persons everytime u have someone new. lol.

i want to stay in perth.
not just because of you,
i dont wanna go back.
i want my own life.
now i've got to fight for it.
things could have been easier if i listened.
but i guess everything happens for a reason.

dont ever leave me.
because i need you so much closer.




[afraid] 21/9/08

i've always been afraid that you'll drift away from me.
of all the friends you've made and all that you attract,
although you assure me that you're close,
i've always felt that i have to fight for your attention.
i guess it's just me being sensitive.
i know you'll care more than that.
you're still my top priority but i have to slowly ease myself on it.
i have to keep reminding myself that you're just someone close. nothing more.

and still, until now,
you have always come first.

and im just here.
waiting for the times when you need me around.
other than that, im alone in my own world.
drifting through all those beautiful clouds and calm waters.

perhaps you dont realise,
through all that pain im in,
you have given me so much strength.
and i love you so much for it.